Life Begins at Conception, Unless It’s an Election Year

“Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump and his party are scrambling to contain the fallout from a conservative Alabama court ruling that prompted some state providers to suspend in vitro fertilization treatments.”
— Reuters

Life begins at conception. Therefore, we must force girls and women to give birth because an embryo is a person who deserves full personhood, just like corporations. So when the Alabama Supreme Court decided that all embryos should be considered children, I rejoiced wholeheartedly—right up until the moment I saw the results of the National Republican Senate Committee’s internal poll.

As soon as a sperm fertilizes an egg, it becomes a human being. This is true in every situation except for in vitro fertilization, which we have just learned has an 86 percent approval rating, including among the white ladies who helped vote Trump into office in 2016. So, in this case, a fertilized egg is just an unalive embryo as spiritless and dull as a Taylor Swift song, amirite?

We Republicans worked hard to get Christian fundamentalists on the Supreme Court so that we can pass abortion bans. But, funny story, it turns out that the “life begins at conception” doctrine can be pretty inconvenient, especially when it impacts actual women who are trying to start families. And that’s tragic because the “pro-life” targets were only ever supposed to be single ladies, rape victims, and sexually active Babylon whores.

Remember H.R. 431, aka the Life At Conception Act? It defines a person as “each and every member of the species homo sapiens at all stages of life, including the moment of fertilization.” I proudly signed that act way back in January. But it’s February now. What were we talking about again? Was it Hunter Biden?

All life is sacred, except maybe for migrants, LGBTQ kids, and social justice warriors. This sanctity means girls and women should have no control over their bodies whatsoever, especially the ones who don’t have the means to travel out of state. They can’t afford IVF anyway, so, yeah, that’s another reason we’re now on board with flushing embryos.

Ideally, it’s not just poor people who shouldn’t have options; all girls and women must have no reproductive choices at all. Unless, of course, that choice is to be a tradwife who will stay home, take care of children, and make me a ham sandwich on request, just as God intended.

The main point is that IVF should facilitate our 1950s cosplay, whereas women who end their pregnancies should be punished. As Nicki Haley said, “Embryos, to me, are babies.” But if an embryo is destroyed as part of an IVF treatment, I refer you to the great words of Nicki Haley, who one day later said, “Parents have the right to make those decisions with their doctor.”

We conservatives will never abandon the principle of fetal personhood, except for now, with the general election eight months away. We are the “Pro Family” party, and if women want to have babies, we must support women. If women already have babies, however, and don’t want more babies, we should arrest them. And if they are Black and have a miscarriage, they should be prosecuted.

When does life begin? What a profound and divine question. We must answer it now definitively, regardless of the devastating consequences our decision has on girls and women. And if there are consequences for our ability to get elected, we must ask another, even more important question: What is a morally corrupt weasel? I think we all know the answer to that one.