What I Would Do If I Got Off the Roof of This Office Building and Were Elected President

We live in the greatest nation in the world, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty of room for improvement. During my first hundred days in office, I promise to tackle immigration reform, cap insulin prices, and ensure that people will no longer accidentally get their cars stuck on top of an office building at midday on a Thursday.

A day-one initiative would be fixing our broken tax code. It’s high time the rich paid their fair share of taxes, and I would enact sweeping measures to ensure they do. Also, on day one, I would require parking garages to have more than just a flimsy, steel-reinforced concrete barrier in place to keep drivers from accidentally smashing through the side of the parking garage and careening down to the top of a nearby office building, where they would remain stuck for several hours.

We need transparency. Taxpayers should know exactly where their money is going. In addition to transparency, we need opaqueness, namely in the walls of our parking garages. They should be opaque and shouldn’t have open-air windows, which could be mistaken for exits by people who forgot they were still on the seventh floor.

My administration would also make sure all office building roofs have warning signs telling you if the employees are the type to gather around and rudely stare should you land on top of their building during regular business hours on a Thursday.

As president, I would do a sweeping overhaul of the Federal Aviation Administration, because there is no way it should be legal for news helicopters or drones flown by neighborhood children to hover around, filming a guy struggling to pry open the roof hatch of an office building that has been dented by a car in a way that prevents it from opening.

I promise to address unemployment. Unfair hiring practices have been an issue for a long time; if an interview goes well, the candidate shouldn’t be disqualified just because he and his car are now on top of the office building in which he just interviewed.

Criminal justice reform would be a huge focus for me. Our police have a tough job, and they need to be properly trained so that they don’t waste taxpayer money asking dumb questions about how a car ended up on top of an office building on a regular Thursday afternoon after I already explained it like four times.

It’s not just criminal justice reform; we also need firefighter reform. There is no way the policy states that I must, “for liability purposes,” be carried down the ladder, like a baby, in the arms of a firefighter while the crowd below points, laughs, and posts TikToks.

My administration will not be afraid to go after evil insurance companies, whether they’re health insurers refusing to cover medications or car insurance companies that keep asking the same questions about an event that must have happened to someone else before.

Finally, election reform. We need to do something about the uncontrolled spending during campaigns. It seems like whoever has the biggest checkbook can just flood the airwaves with amateur drone footage of their political opponent during their lowest point—which, ironically, was roughly six stories up—comically tearing his pants revealing cartoonish polka-dot underpants, as he struggles, unsuccessfully, to open a roof hatch.

So, when you’re casting your vote, think about how many election cycles we’ve spent debating these same issues over and over without any action. Ask yourself: Should I vote for an incumbent who never seems to address any of the issues that affect me, yet never gets their car stuck on top of office buildings, or am I ready for a change?