For Sale: Giant Casino in Economically Depressed, Opioid-Plagued City
It turns out that building a humongous casino in a small city next to a mid-sized river, nowhere near a big city, the ocean, the desert, or good weather, excludes you from the “destination” designation. This means not many people want to come to lose their money in your oversized sucker palace.
Clearly, we were overly optimistic with our revenue projections. While we averaged twenty-two bajillion dollars per month, we just couldn’t move the needle to our target of thirty-two wadzillion per month. The forty-two flabillion we’ve extracted from this community in five years (even with a pandemic) just isn’t satisfying our stockholders. They’re complaining that they’re not making enough in stock buybacks to purchase a second yacht, private jet, or Supreme Court justice.
It looks like even though we told everyone there’d be three thousand jobs for the locals, we’ve only managed to hire less than half that amount. Who knew blackjack dealers wanted decently funded schools for their kids?
It’s apparent that the growth of online and legalized sports betting has taken a bite out of our profit margin, like the impoverished locals at the $2.99 all-you-can-eat buffet.
It also appears we haven’t been able to attract many top-tier acts to our two-thousand-seat concert hall. Plenty of Long Island mediums, psychics, and ZZ Top tribute bands, but nothing rising to the level of those faceless dancers in Jabbawockeez or Madam Boozy Skunkton of Atomic Saloon Show. Also, in an attempt to resort-ify the place, we tried offering indoor virtual spelunking and horseback riding, but that hasn’t panned out either.
We did get some things right. As part of our community outreach (required by law), we expanded our in-house gambling addiction services. You can find counselors sixteen hours a day, wandering the slots parlor—look for the vests with YOU CAN “TELL” ME printed on the back. Plus, because of the whole “free drinks while you gamble” thing, we now include AA meetings in our spacious Just One More bar and lounge. NarcAnon meetings run hourly in the men’s room off the Good Luck With That gaming emporium. We’re very proud of this.
Even so, you can be assured that there’s still a dearth of research on the impact of casino gambling on the communities which they prey upon. And thank goodness the NIH still doesn’t have any resources aimed at studying or mitigating problem gambling. No research = no problem, right?
So, make us an offer. We’re betting this windowless money mausoleum sits empty for a few years before a hedge fund snaps it up and tries to suck another couple of billion out of the locals.