Schedule of Speakers for the 2024 Republican National Convention
Monday, July 15
9:00 p.m.
The Banshees of the Bottomless Abyss wail the national anthem.
9:05 p.m.
Axuloth, Slayer of Mortals, lays out his plan to stop the Great Replacement.
9:20 p.m.
Arizona Senate candidate and election truther Kari Lake explains that Joe Biden couldn’t have won Wisconsin in 2020 because “Wisconsin” isn’t a real place.
9:40 p.m.
The Goblins of Mount Agony on why student loan forgiveness is unfair to goblins who have already paid their blood debts to their chieftains.
10:10 p.m.
Marjorie Taylor Greene uses phrenology to prove that Dr. Anthony Fauci is secretly Jewish.
10:30 p.m.
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas on how to end political corruption by legalizing it.
10:50 p.m.
Keynote speech by ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods entitled “Climate Change Will Kill Millions of Predominantly Low-Income People by 2050. But There Are Downsides Too.”
Tuesday, July 16
9:00 p.m.
The Banshees of the Bottomless Abyss and Jason Aldean roar “Try That in a Small Town.”
9:05 p.m.
Zarzaguleth, Enslaver of the Damned, lays out the main talking points of Project 2025.
9:20 p.m.
Elon Musk offers to impregnate every “breedable female” at the convention to fight population collapse.
9:40 p.m.
The Ghouls of the Outer Swamp on the benefits of eating an entirely red-meat-based diet.
10:00 p.m.
Round table discussion on banning no-fault divorce with Tim Pool, Steven Crowder, Andrew Tate, and Glurgthrax the Dreadful, Demon-Prince of the Wasteplains and Heir to the Throne of Skulls.
10:30 p.m.
Eric and Don Jr. release a thousand venomous snakes into a rescue animal shelter.
10:40 p.m.
The roll call of state delegates commences with each delegate prostrating themselves before a golden statue of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin shaking hands.
10:50 p.m.
Keynote speech by Purgyrot, Ruler of the Land That Never Ceases to Ooze, entitled “Ripping Out Their Eyeballs: The Trusted Solution for Keeping Kids from Reading Objectionable Books.”
Wednesday, July 17
9:00 p.m.
The Banshees of the Bottomless Abyss and John Schneider yowl the Dukes of Hazzard theme song.
9:05 p.m.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announces that the Florida State Guard will seize Disney World and turn it into the world’s largest detransitioning camp.
9:20 p.m.
Razu Q’as-Gal, Sorceress of Forbidden Magic and trusted advisor to the Serpent Lord Gu, on the many reasons why “minorities” should vote for Trump.
9:40 p.m.
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito on why the organizers of the January 6 insurrection would be ideal cabinet members.
10:00 p.m.
Lauren Boebert gives Rudy Giuliani a handjob during the world premiere of Birth of a Nation: The Musical.
10:30 p.m.
Kid Rock sets fire to a Bud Light truck.
10:40 p.m.
South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem shoots a litter of kittens.
10:45 p.m.
Former Vice President Mike Pence is convicted of treason and beheaded.
10:50 p.m.
Keynote speech by Permethia, Wicked Queen of the Night Realms, entitled “Why Eugenics Actually Isn’t Bad as Long as We Only Use It to Rid Society of People We Don’t Like.”
Thursday, July 18
9:00 p.m.
The Banshees of the Bottomless Abyss and Morgan Wallen shout the N-word.
9:05 p.m.
Murgaloth, Flayer of Flesh, discusses his plan to solve the Israel-Palestine conflict by ridding the planet of Israelis and Palestinians.
9:20 p.m.
The Wraiths of the Valley of Sorrow demonstrate why fifteen-minute cities are a communist plot.
9:45 p.m.
Tim Allen destroys an electric stovetop with a sledgehammer.
9:55 p.m.
Roseanne Barr screams racial epithets outside a mosque.
10:05 p.m.
Ted Nugent makes love to an AR-15.
10:20 p.m.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott cuts power to a children’s cancer ward.
10:30 p.m.
Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller take turns pushing elderly veterans down a flight of stairs.
10:50 p.m.
Donald Trump accepts the nomination by hoisting Mike Pence’s severed head into the air.
10:55 p.m.
The Hellmouth finally opens and consumes us all.