Live Like Prehistoric Man by Purchasing My Elaborate Supplement Routine
Modern medicine has failed us. To live full, healthy lives, we must go back to what nature intended. That means real food, vigorous exercise, and a byzantine combination of unregulated dietary supplements.
Prehistoric man led a simple life. No sunscreen, no pasteurized milk, no Food and Drug Administration. Nothing came between man and the natural world. Certainly not a suspiciously well-coordinated class-action lawsuit.
No matter what they might tell you, we can get back to the way things were. Unlocking your primal self is as easy as subscribing to my deluxe twenty-eight-step supplement routine. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s banned in France, the Netherlands, and the entire continent of South America. Borders, like junk food, are a modern construct.
We all know processed food is killing us and that science can’t be trusted. Studies are funded by corporations that care more about your dollar than your diet. But when I—allegedly—reinterpret a study to imply my supplements are safe, that’s considered “gross negligence” and “profoundly illegal.”
Supplement skeptics abound, and I’ve heard all the arguments before. “These ingredient names are impossible to pronounce,” “God had no hand in creating this,” and “Betaalphaguardelphine-12 can’t possibly be safe for human consumption.”
Did prehistoric man ask such foolish questions? No. He ate some raw meat, stared directly into the sun, then died of the common cold at age twenty-seven.
After coexisting with nature for millennia, we somehow lost our way. Gone are the days of tribal hunts, nomadic wandering, and coming-of-age rituals. Now, we spend our days on computers, snacking on garbage, and signing plea deals with our court-appointed lawyers.
It’s a shame that those tasked with healing us wind up hurting us. Doctors are supposed to help us live our best lives and, as the motto goes, do no harm. Since when does “do no harm” involve hopping on a witness stand to defame my revolutionary products? Prehistoric man never had to suffer through cross-examination.
Deep down, we all know what is good for us. Unlearn years of corporate brainwashing, and you will discover what your body truly craves: the joy of sending a random businessman your credit card information.