Scientists Awestruck By Biodiversity Within Single Italian Sub

NEWARK, NJ—Marveling at the manifold natural wonders on display inside such a small, self-contained ecosystem, a panel of scientists described feeling awestruck Tuesday by the biodiversity within a single Italian sub. “There’s just an incredible variety of species thriving inside the surprisingly hospitable habitat of this sandwich—among the varietals of flora alone, we can see lettuce, tomato, onion, hot peppers, and oregano,” said Professor Charles Boutwell of Rutgers University, one of several scientists who expressed amazement when a DNA analysis found evidence in the crusty semolina roll of yeast fungi and multiple grasses from the wheat family, as well as an ability to germinate sesame plants. “And then beneath this canopy of vegetation, we find layers and layers of pepperoni, capicola, soppressata and thin-sliced salami, which suggest this habitat can support many, many pigs, all living together in symbiotic harmony. It’s breathtaking. And that’s before you even start getting into all the listeria, E. coli, and parasitic roundworms.” Boutwell added that, unfortunately, humanity was destroying the delicate balance of the Italian sub’s ecosystem with each delicious bite he took.

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