Trump Calls Out Arlington National Cemetery For Hazard-Filled Fairways

WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the terrible course conditions he encountered while visiting the military burial site, Donald Trump called out Arlington National Cemetery on Thursday for its hazard-filled fairways. “I’ve played at amazing golf courses all over the world—like Augusta, Pinehurst, and Pebble Beach—and let me tell you, Arlington National Cemetery was the worst 18 holes I’ve ever played,” said the 45th president of the United States, adding that service was terrible at the 639-acre memorial, from the rude and overbearing guards, to the messy gravestones littered everywhere, to the distracting spectators who kept kneeling down and praying. “Immediately after I teed off, I had no idea where the holes were, my golf cart started sucking up wreaths, and my ball got caught in this huge trap called the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Plus, it was impossible to order a lemonade or a BLT. The waitress I called over just started sobbing.” At press time, Trump added that this was exactly why he preferred playing at Trump golf courses, where there was only one grave and it belonged to his late ex-wife.

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