How Universities Are Cracking Down On Palestine Protests

With millions returning to campuses for the start of another school year, university administrators are establishing new policies to prevent and discourage their students from taking part in pro-Palestine protests. Here are some of the most popular strategies colleges are using in their crackdowns.

• Installing fencing around each individual student: It’s much more difficult for students to congregate when they are enclosed in steel mesh. 
• Restricting the time students can publicly express empathy: Colleges like Indiana University are setting a strict 11 p.m. curfew for all feelings.
• Offering meal plans vouchers: Passively accepting ethnic cleansing will earn students Dinner Dollars, which can be redeemed at any campus eatery.
• Hiring Netanyahu as an orientation leader: There’s no problem a few days of icebreakers can’t solve.
• A Foucault pendulum hanging above the quad: The unpredictable swing of a large metal ball on a wire will deter all gatherings.
• Letting Phi Psi haze them: They can do all the stuff that got them kicked off campus last time, no questions asked.
• Marriage pacts: Wedding the protest leader to the dean’s daughter could forge a lasting peace between the warring factions.
• Mozzarella sticks in the dining hall: The more time agitated students spend in a lactose coma, the less time they can spend chanting. 
• Mandatory IDF service: In order to “give them perspective,” Columbia, Harvard, and the University of Pennsylvania now require all undergraduate students to serve at least a one-year term in the Israeli military. 
• More movie nights: Even the most committed protesters cannot resist the allure of a free screening of The Greatest Showman. 
• Raising tuition: Those who can’t afford to enroll aren’t their problem.

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