Report: High Turnout Traced To Americans Mistakenly Voting On Vending Machine

WASHINGTON—With Americans experiencing long lines in many precincts across the country, an Election Day report has confirmed that high turnout this year can be primarily attributed to large numbers of people mistakenly voting on vending machines. “Projections show that by the time polls close, approximately two-thirds of the U.S. electorate will have turned out and, in their attempt to vote, selected chips, candy, or a soda,” the report issued Tuesday read in part, explaining that millions of registered voters had visited the community centers and church basements where their polling sites were located, automatically proceeded to the nearest vending machine, and, in an effort to fulfill their civic duty, used the keypad to make their choice. “According to exit polls, Snickers and M&M’s appear to be in a dead heat, with many of those surveyed telling pollsters they wish there had been different choices this election, like ice cream bars or maybe a Chipwich. Others expressed pessimism about the direction in which the country was headed, citing the inflation that had driven the cost of Powerade above $2.” At press time, millions of Americans were reportedly signaling to each other that they had voted by stuffing an empty bag of Doritos in their shirt pocket.

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