Uninformed Citizen Scrambling To Research Last 2,500 Years Of Democracy Before Voting

CEDARBURG, WI—Touting the importance of doing his own research, local uninformed citizen Steven Powers was reportedly seen in line at his polling place Tuesday scrambling to learn everything he could about the last 2,500 years of democracy before he entered the voting booth. “I just don’t know enough about fifth-century BCE Athenian democracy to make an informed decision in this election,” said Powers, frantically reading about the Enlightenment to see for himself whether John Locke said anything about Kamala Harris’ record on immigration. “I’d hate to step into that booth and make a hasty decision before I examined for myself how each candidate stacks up against Sinn Féin organizer Arthur Griffith and his 1905 policy calling for an independent Irish republic. It’s not really my style to fall in line with one party or another without first reading everything modern academia has to say about the history of the campaign button.” At press time, election workers were reportedly begging Powers to just pick one already after he had spent several hours attempting to translate texts from the proto-democratic societies of ancient Phoenicia on his phone.

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