Dad Wishes Whole Roster Played With Intensity, Passion Of Talentless Special Teamer

CINCINNATI—Lamenting that none of the team’s starters went all out on every play like the undrafted rookie, local dad Hugh Goodwin told reporters Wednesday that he wished the whole Bengals roster played with the intensity and passion of the franchise’s most talentless special teamer. “I’m tired of watching all these prima donna receivers and linebackers hold back half the time when this guy gives 100% on every damn play,” Goodwin said of the fifth-string cornerback with sloppy tackling form who was “absolutely flying” down the field during a punt. “I don’t know if he has what it takes to get regular snaps in the nickel, but that kid plays with his hair on fire. All these other guys are spoiled with their cushy contracts, but he leaves it all out on the field because he knows he could be cut and out on the street at any moment if he doesn’t. That’s what football is supposed to be. If this team had half the drive he does during the 30 seconds he plays every game, we’d have won a Super Bowl by now.” At press time, the special teamer had reportedly overrun the opposing team’s punt returner and opened a hole for a big 45-yard gain.

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