An Imagined Conversation Between the People Who Designed Urban Apartment Balconies

DESIGNER 1: The investors want us to make extremely small urban apartments more enjoyable. Got any ideas?

DESIGNER 2: Yes. Extremely small balconies.

DESIGNER 1: That’s genius. How small are we talking?

DESIGNER 2: Just big enough for one person to stand.

DESIGNER 1: How about half as big?

DESIGNER 2: That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard. But is that still too big?

DESIGNER 1: Yes. Let’s make them smaller.

DESIGNER 2: I’ve never lived in the city, but it feels like we’re onto something.

DESIGNER 1: Me neither, and I completely agree.

DESIGNER 3: Hey, I heard you’re working on an extremely small urban apartment project. Do you need more help from someone who has also never lived in a city?

DESIGNER 1: Yes.

DESIGNER 3: Perfect. Let’s put some balconies in complete shade and some in direct sunlight. Never anything in between.

DESIGNER 2: And there should always be something dripping from the balcony above, even when it’s dry outside.

DESIGNER 1: You know what would be great? If the exhaust vent from the neighbor’s dryer was positioned at eye level on each balcony so you have to smell your neighbor’s clothes.

DESIGNER 2: Outstanding. But which apartments should have a balcony?

DESIGNER 1: Only the ones facing a major highway. It’s my understanding that people who live in cities like seeing, smelling, and hearing traffic at all times.

DESIGNER 3: I couldn’t agree more. I have a cousin who visited a city once, and he said that everyone there does traffic as a hobby. Also, they hate privacy.

DESIGNER 1: Terrific. We’ll put all of the balconies really close to each other.

DESIGNER 2: Wait, we forgot to enclose the balconies with the strongest metal railings ever made. The whole reason people move to cities is because they yearn for strong metal things and hate things that are soft and natural.

DESIGNER 1: Plus, they need something to tie their clotheslines to, which is a thing they all use.

DESIGNER 3: Just make sure there are wide enough gaps between the railings to accidentally drop things through.

DESIGNER 1: Great idea. What’s the point of having an extremely small balcony if not for exposing yourself to the possibility of killing a passerby with a small household item?

(All designers nod in agreement.)

DESIGNER 3: Hey, I have a question for another project I’m on: Do city people like access to parking?

DESIGNER 1: Only if it’s underground, extremely difficult to use. And smells like pee.

DESIGNER 3: You’re not gonna believe this…