Scrooge and Marley CEO: The Counting House Business Is Flawed. Let’s Fix It

OPINION
GUEST ESSAY
by EBENEEZER SCROOGE

Mr. Scrooge is the chief executive officer of Scrooge and Marley.

I know the headline suggests you are about to read some necessary, real-world proposals to reform the predatory accounting, money-lending, and debt-collection industry in 1840s England. I really needed you to read this. How this op-ed is actually going to go is I am going to meander around the topic without direction like a dog circling its bed before flopping down, giving up, and expecting head pats.

Here we go. Let’s take a long walk for a short swim.

I want to start by remembering my late colleague Jacob Marley. Not a day goes by when I don’t feel the grief of losing such a brilliant, kind man who was working tirelessly to make financial services better for the two of us only and nobody else.

I’m struggling to make sense of a lot of things right now. It’s come to my attention—don’t worry about how—that Jacob Marley wasn’t universally beloved. That’s baffling to me. How could anyone not love someone with so much money? Now, my PR team and I agree that I need to rethink some things vis-à-vis my reputation.

The lack of condolences and vitriol from the London community and the increasingly terrifying nighttime disturbances from the spirit realm are unconscionable. No one above director level—be they a shareholder, a board member, all the way down to a senior vice president—should have to fear for the eternal damnation of their souls at Christmas.

I know that my counting house business does not work for people as well as it should, largely due to my workshy accountant, Bob Cratchit. I’m kidding! He’s great. See? I’m nice now. Tell all the ghosts you know.

But no one would design a money-lending system like the one we have. And no one did. It’s a terrible idea. Like something I’d come up with after taking a laudanum draught, going seventy-two hours without sleep, and succumbing to madness while being tormented by judgmental spectors unleashed from some sort of yuletide portal to hell. Not that that’s ever happened. My point is that improvements could be made. They won’t be. But they could be.

Let me try to demystify what we do. We make our mission to make making more money make more sense. We are always striving to find ways to get more money from you, all at a lower cost to us.

The business of the counting house is both intensely personal and very complicated, and the reasons behind decisions are not well understood. It’s a mystery even to me! I just close my eyes and let the answer come to me as if by magic. And just by coincidence, the decision is always the one that makes the most revenue for the least expense. The world works in mysterious ways.

While the counting house business is not perfect, every corner of it is filled with freezing-cold people who try to do their best for those they serve, which is me. They serve me.

Jacob Marley was one such person. He was never content with the status quo. Jacob devoted his life to pushing the boundaries for an institution that produces no physical product, provides no necessary service, and makes nothing other than profit. Through his lending programs, he gave the sick and desperate the incredible power of choice by allowing them the unique opportunity to choose between crippling debt or death.

As well as we’ve done, I do think counting houses can do better. I’ve always said that. It has nothing to do with any recent events or overnight horrors. I was going to write this letter months ago. Ask anyone. Bob Cratchit will tell you!

I am willing to do whatever it takes to reform our industry so long as it doesn’t impact my salary, bonus, or profit margins. And that’s purely out of my love for people like you and only a little bit because I need the demons to stop. So what’s it going to take? Did you hear I donated a turkey? I can go as high as two turkeys. But let’s see how the news cycle plays out before I commit to that.

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