List: 6 Things Successful People Do in the Morning by Kendra Eash

1. They Exercise

The top morning activity of the rich and powerful? Heart-pumping exercise, of course! Xerox CEO Ursula Burns schedules an hour-long personal training session starting at 6 am twice a week, while Christie’s CEO Steve Murphy uses the mornings to do yoga. Who knew!

2. They Put Human Skin Over
Their Robot Exoskeleton

If you ever happen to drop in on George Soros or Arianna Huffington before 7 am, don’t be surprised if they look a little stretched! Successful people know that lifelike skin texture is key to believability as a simulated human, so they devote their first hours of the day to practice mimicking the appearance of their host race.

3. They Worship an Alien God

Truly powerful people hand over the keys to their moral compass first thing after breakfast. In one executive poll, 90% say they’ve “sold or are thinking of selling their souls” to Menoch, the alien god of commerce, with 40% of those respondents saying that they review the terms of their infinite contracts by pricking their index finger and creating a blood sacrifice as part of a regular routine.

4. They Get Their Advice
From a Lesbian Witch Panel

This one should be a no-brainer by now. Scientists and successful professionals alike have been lauding the benefits of consulting a Wiccan tribunal of Sapphic wisdom for decades. “I’m always looking for advice, especially when Mercury is in retrograde” says Square CEO Jack Dorsey, while Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi swears by the potions she concocts just before sunrise each morning.

5. They Visit a Painting of
Their Aging Visage in the Attic

No surprises here! Most of the top brass at any Fortune 500 company relieve stress first thing in the morning by transferring their karmic impact to a possessed portrait painted in their likeness. Tony Robbins makes the trip upstairs to face his decrepit twin, while Ryan Seacrest is rumored to have created a soundproof basement to scream in horror at his true self.

6. They Take Time Out to
Breed a Unicorn Army

Benjamin Franklin had it right: “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail” especially when you are attempting to create a mythical army of magical beasts to carry you on a wave of personal and professional success. Starwood Hotels CEO Frits van Paasschen says that, unless he’s traveling, mornings are his special time to train and groom his stable of winged sky riders. “Riding Florinia and Centaurius for just five minutes in the morning helps me clear my head and prepare for the day,” he says. Future leaders, take notice!