Frumpy Mom: How to survive your family at the holidays

Well, here we are again. The holidays have crept up on us and we’re about to spend a possibly extended period of time with our blood relatives. “Blood” being the operative word here, and hopefully none will be shed.

Some of you gluttons for punishment who read me regularly will recall that I write an informative Public Service column every year on how to survive this onslaught. I know the words “Don’t go” won’t work for many of you no matter how much you dread these occasions.

Or perhaps you like some of the people you’ll be spending time with, like your mom or your brother or your favorite cousin. But you dislike your sister’s husband, who always lurks outside the bathroom door hoping to catch you alone. (My friend complained about this every year).

Or your catty sister-in-law who can’t wait to see you so she can say little cutting things about your hairstyle, your job, your lifestyle or your spouse that are “just a joke; why are you so sensitive?”

Or your mother who never stops complaining about how (pick one)

1. You don’t visit or call often enough.
2. You’re not married yet.
3.  You haven’t given her any grandchildren.
4. Your daughter wears trashy clothes.
5. You wear trashy clothes.
6. Your wife wears trashy clothes.
7. You should have a better job.
8. `You should spend more time with your sister and her (creepy) husband.
9. You should move back closer to your family.
10. You never go to church.
11. She invited everyone on a cruise last year but you didn’t go.
12. You should go back to school.
13. You’re not chopping the onions right, and she has shown you 20 times how to do it.
14. You shouldn’t have brought that pie because no one likes mincemeat.
15. Do you belong to a gym? Because you’re starting to look a little pudgy.
16. I heard your friend Margie got arrested for shoplifting. I told you she was bad.

Is that enough? What am I leaving out?

When I flew back to Utah for the holidays, my mother used to always compliment me when I lost weight, and then try to shove fattening foods down my gullet all day long. Because I think she liked being the only slim one in our house. My stepfather would always find a way to pick a fight with my brother and me over basically nothing to the point that I told my mom the next time it happened, I would immediately leave and fly home.

Sure enough, he decided one year (seriously, I’m not kidding) that we kids didn’t give him a satisfactory number of presents, so he pitched a fit over it. I kissed my mom, told her goodbye, and went to the airport where I caught the first flight back to Southern California. Where it was warm and sunny and no one was creating drama out of nothing.

That was the last year I flew back to Utah for Christmas, because I realized that my family went bat(expletive deleted) crazy over the holidays. So I waited to visit them until later, when everyone was at least seemingly normal. And the plane tickets were cheaper.

If you don’t have the liberty to do this, here’s what to do: Invent an imaginary friend. If you’ve followed my advice and done this in previous years, you can use the same person, just update him or her.

Ask your family’s advice about what to do about the many problems of this imaginary friend, including a cheating spouse, money woes, children heading to jail, deadbeat relatives, health scares, failed plastic surgery, lost jobs — well, you get the idea.

Feel free to supplement this list with your personal details.

I’m telling you; this really works. It takes the focus off you and your many failings, and allows your relatives to give advice to someone who really needs it.

I came up with this idea thanks to my mom, who would always ask me about what she perceived as my many problems. Instead of answering her and getting into a heated mess, I would simply remark that I thought one of my relatives and his wife were not getting along. (They were never getting along, so this was factual.)

She would immediately shift gears, forget all about me and spend our entire conversation discussing whether they were going to get a divorce. (Answer: Probably, yes.)

Sorry, but drastic times call for drastic measures.

Later, I realized I didn’t even have to use a real person, a fake person would work just as well. Then you have so much more leeway to be creative.

There’s the imaginary friend’s daughter who’s an alcoholic and needs to go to rehab, but she refuses. And the deadbeat husband who plays video games all day and won’t get a job. Or the spendthrift wife who’s maxed out all the credit cards.

My oh my, what can you do to help your friend? Obviously, your relatives will have the answers.

Important tips: If you plan to reuse this friend next year, don’t forget the name! And make sure they don’t live nearby, so you don’t have to worry about “visits.”

If you take my advice, please email me and let me know how it goes. I’m at mfisher@scng.com or hit me up on my Facebook page. And happy holidays!