The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: The Real Divas

This episode is about apologies and so I think that, just like Kurt Cobain said, we should be all apologies to one Mx. Julia Lemigova for making fun of her singing. Even the show did it! Remember how last episode showed her practicing and all the birds flew out of the tree? Even this episode shows Julia practicing her opera duet while scrubbing goats (?!) on the farm, tending to her birds, and feeding the chickens. The editing is telling us, “Look at this crazy lady and her Florence Foster Jenkins pursuit to sing opera.”

Then the actual performance came and I cried very real human tears out of my own tear ducts. Julia and Martina sit near the stage at the Kill All Cancer benefit and Adriana gets up to play piano. Martina still has no idea what is happening and then Julia gets up to sing. “No, not Julia,” she says as her wife ascends the stage and the light of a thousand angels spreads across her face. The only word to describe Martina during the performance is “beaming.”

When Julia finishes her performance — which, honestly, I would give a C- — Martina stands up and gives her the Wayne’s World “we’re not worthy” arms. That’s what’s so amazing about it: It wasn’t professional-caliber, but it was from the heart, something she worked very hard for, and she only did it to please her wife. At the end of the night, Martina tells the crowd that even 15 years into their marriage, Julia can still surprise her, and you can feel the love tonight, it is where we are, it is enough for this wide-eyed wanderer that we got this far.

As triumphant as Julia’s mediocre performance turned out to be, it’s the opposite for Larsa Pippen, a butterfly that decided it hated its new body and turned back into a caterpillar. When all the women sit down together, Nicole brings up that Guerdy looks annoyed. Before Guerdy can even start explaining herself, Larsa pipes up with, “Guerdy, you didn’t tell me not to tell anyone.” We know this is false, we’ve seen the tapes. Guerdy knows this is false because she was there, and even tells Larsa that it’s false.

So Larsa changes tactics. When Guerdy says that Larsa was careless with the information, Larsa says, “You’re welcome. I was trying to do you a favor by telling those girls.” What? That doesn’t even make sense. Why would Guerdy be so upset that Larsa told people if she didn’t want to tell people on her own? Larsa then tries to tell Guerdy that what she was doing was from a place of love. Really? We saw Larsa tell everyone, and not once was she like, “You should call Guerdy, I’m really worried about it.” Larsa always framed it as how crazy it was that she was put in this situation and how hard that had to be on her.

The real problem here is that Larsa is refusing to apologize, again. She wants to justify her behavior, show Guerdy how she is really right, but not once does she say she’s sorry. Not once does she show concern for Guerdy. She is only showing concern for how right she is. But still, when she meets later with Lisa and Adriana she says, “I was trying to apologize to Guerdy and she was so angry.” Okay, wait one minute. Maybe Larsa doesn’t know what an apology is. Maybe when she learned about it in grade school they taught her that apologizing means showing the other person how right you are and how they should feel bad about it. Maybe she doesn’t know that the word “sorry” is integral to every apology. Maybe the way to get Guerdy to be a little less angry would be to, I don’t know, use the S-word with her a few times?

What makes me just as mad is how none of the other women will tell Larsa to her face that she really needs to apologize to Guerdy. At the opera party, Nicole tells her that she knows it came from a good place, but it was done poorly. Larsa says, “It wasn’t even done poorly, Nicole.” Ugh, of course. Adriana, who believes that the moon and stars revolve around her latest hit single, says that Larsa is making this all about herself. When Adriana is calling you out, then you’re totally busted. Even Kiki says that Larsa really needs to apologize. The problem is, this is all coming in confessional rather than someone pointing out to Larsa how what she did was wrong. I don’t know that she would be able to receive that, but someone needs to tell her to make things right.

I appreciate Guerdy’s stance in the argument. Guerdy shows up to lunch with Marysol and Kiki dressed like she’s auditioning for the Moulin Rouge musical and says she wants a full-throated apology. (She says full-throttle, but we can give her grace on this one since, you know, she has cancer.) “I’m not accepting, If I hurt you…’ I’m not accepting, ‘You put me in a bad position…’ I’m not accepting, ‘I was concerned about you…’” She’s right. A Housewives apology will not suffice here. Larsa needs to see how what she did was wrong and ask forgiveness. Period.

The other drama, as usual, is Lisa and Lenny. I care less about the ins and outs of the divorce and more what all the women are telling Lisa about it. When she invites Alexia to Palm Beach she asks Lisa to not talk about Lenny the whole weekend. In the car ride on the way to Palm Beach, when Lisa brings up how good Jody is, Marysol asks her how she can preserve that, and tells Lisa she needs to stop talking about Lenny so much around Jody.

What they’re all telling Lisa is that she is talking about it too much. As Marysol hints at, Lisa is letting this divorce consume her. I get it. Lenny is an asshole who did her wrong and insulted her on television. He’s a bad guy. However, if she wants to survive becoming a bitter succubus, she needs to let the anger go at some point. I think what Marysol is trying to say is that Lisa shouldn’t let her history with a bad man ruin her future with a good man. And have you seen Jody? Sure, he’s Canadian, but it is an upgrade of unreal proportions.

I was a little surprised that we got some Julia and Alexia drama this episode, because it seemed like they were repairing their relationship. They go to the farm with Dr. Nicole and her son, and then they go shopping together to get some clothes for Palm Beach. At the farm the women have to share rooms and decide they should mix things up a bit. Julia goes out on a limb and asks Alexia if they should room together, and Alexia says, “I have to ask Todd for permission.”

This is obviously a comment about Julia being a lesbian, but if you bring it up once I can see it as kind of a joke. Like, “Oh if we’re going to share a bed together my husband might be worried, wink wink.” Okay, that’s funny, ha ha, as the non-Cuban, original-recipe Teresa Giudice would say.

When it starts to get concerning is later when Julia is like, “Are we still gonna share rooms?” and Alexia says it again. This time she says, “I have to ask Marysol and I have to ask Todd.” Okay, I can see how Alexia might be uncomfortable sharing a room with Julia for many reasons. One is that it might upset Marysol and, even worse, might put Marysol in a position where she would have to share with Adriana, Julia’s usual bunkmate. I can see how Alexia would be reticent because their friendship is just gearing up in earnest. I think all of those excuses are fine and acceptable. What throws me, though, is she kept on with the Todd comments. Maybe she is a little afraid of sharing a bed with a lesbian (as Julia describes herself). Maybe she does think that two married women sharing a bed is a different situation if one of those women has been backstage at an Indigo Girls concert.

Maybe there are some false equivalencies going on in Alexia’s brain. Her argument to herself is, “What if Julia was a man who sleeps with women, I would never share a bed with her.” Yes, that’s because society raised you to believe that being alone with straight men, especially in bed, can have dire consequences. Sadly, men have often proven this right. But Julia is not a man. She’s also not a stranger. She’s a friend, and I think that two friends, regardless of gender and sexual orientation, should be able to share a bed with nothing happening. But, for some reason, Alexia is uncomfortable. I just wish she was smart enough to express those feelings, explain them to Julia, and maybe challenge herself to grow and become a better person.

But, hey, if all the Housewives started growing and becoming better people they’d be out of a job and we’d have nothing to watch. Let’s just hope Alexia doesn’t go to Larsa for advice on how to apologize.