I choose not to have my kids at Christmas to cut down on the stress, my ex-husband takes them instead
NOT all families celebrate Christmas in the same way and that is certainly true for mum-of-two Lauren Demetriou.
Ever since separating from the father of her two daughters in 2019, Lauren decided to do things differently and told Mama Mia she chose not to have her daughters on Christmas Day.
She says it’s one of the best things she’s ever done – for both herself, her kids and her now ex-husband.
In 2003, Lauren first met her ex-husband Ben – she was 21 and he was 23. At the time they were both studying, socialising and falling in love with each other. They eventually married in 2010, later welcoming their two daughters in 2014 and 2016 respectively.
As they aged and their life circumstances changed, so did their relationship.
“I began having second thoughts about the marriage a few years before we actually separated. I proposed some couples counselling which he did, but in the end I didn’t feel that it was salvageable. So I instigated our separation in 2019,” Lauren said to Mamamia.
“We wanted different things out of life, we had different goals and had just become different people. It was like we were housemates rather than husband and wife.”
When Lauren and Ben separated, their two daughters were two and five. Breaking the news to them was challenging, but something Lauren said she’s glad to have sought out expert advice on.
“We sat them down a week after the split, and our couple’s counselling psychologist had shared with us how to translate this sort of big news to a child of a young age. We explained to them ‘Daddy would like to live in a house where he can make his own rules, and Mummy would like to do the same’.”
Neither Lauren nor Ben had much of a roadmap for dealing with a divorce, as it wasn’t a commonality in their wider social circle or extended family.
Somehow, they managed to make it work. Of course, it wasn’t all rosy – divorce in itself can be a painful thing. But for this former couple, they were determined to keep one objective front of mind: to always focus on the kids and move forward as a unit. And it’s for this exact reason why Lauren chooses not to have her kids with her on Christmas Day.
Prior to their split, Christmas was quite the festivity in Lauren and Ben’s shared household. So much so that for Lauren, Christmas almost felt like a chore rather than a time of relaxation and celebration, constantly juggling different parts of their extended family and invitations.
It’s something lots of parents can relate to, the mental load attached to it all.
“Christmas was never a holiday that’s been deeply important to me. And I remember so many years of stress, having multiple family functions and not having healthy boundaries in place. But for my ex, it’s a different story. For him and his loved ones, Christmas has a lot of resonance. Some of them are quite religious as well – so I think it would mean more to him to have the kids on the 25th.”
Lauren describes her first Christmases post-separation as liberating. Because now she’s able to make her own new traditions.
“He gets the kids on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and I either spend it with my parents and brothers at a family event or whatever I feel like doing. I then celebrate the wider holiday time with the girls for a week or so from the 27th onward – we love going to Victoria’s surf coast.”
And looking back over the last few years, Lauren said their two daughters have adjusted really well to the new arrangement.
“I think they’ve seen what an amicable divorce/custody arrangement can look like and that makes them feel secure. We never fight in front of the kids, and if they ever have any questions we choose to answer them. Plus this way, the festive celebrations aren’t just on one specific day, but more of a week-long occasion,” Lauren said.
And for Lauren personally, the mental load has been lifted as well.
“No longer do I have to manage the ‘perfect’ Christmas day, and negotiate with someone about what to get the kids. I do what I want to do, and it feels great. Sure, Ben and I may consult on gifts for the girls if it’s a big-ticket item, but there’s less stress now. Plus, we no longer have to get gifts for one another’s families as well.”
“So often when we think of divorced parents, we focus on the negatives. And it can be hard for many, don’t get me wrong. But there can be big positives as well.”