Forgiving my husband for his affair is proving to be harder than I expected…
DEAR DEIDRE: WITH a lot of hard work and reassurance, I managed to forgive my husband for his affair.
But no matter what I do, I can’t shake the thought that I’m the consolation prize. After all, his fling was my polar opposite — blonde, slim and half my age.
Now I lie awake in the middle of the night worried he only stayed with me for the sake of the kids.
I’ve tried everything but my trust has been completely broken and every day I’m worried sick that he’ll stray again.
He’s 52, I’m 49, and we’ve been married for 20 years. We have three children, aged nine, 11 and 15.
Never in a million years did I expect him to betray me like this.
Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
He was always a perfect husband. But when I noticed a flirtatious message pop up on his phone, I knew that something was wrong.
At first, he tried to deflect it and avoided admitting anything. He told me it was just a woman at work and she spoke like that to everyone.
Foolishly, I believed him, until one day I snapped and searched his phone. It was clear they had been sneaking around for a few months.
Ever since, my self-esteem has been on the floor. He’s apologised countless times and has tried his best to make it up to me, but I can’t get it off my mind.
I just can’t believe he’d do this to me.
Can we ever come back from this? I’m afraid I’ll never trust him again.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your husband has deceived you and given you every reason to feel insecure in your relationship.
Knowing how to move on from a partner’s affair can be difficult, especially if it is affecting your self-esteem.
If you want your marriage to work, you will need to be really honest with him and tell him exactly how you feel.
Otherwise, nothing will change and it is unlikely these feelings will go away.
It is his place now to reassure you of his feelings and prove that you are the one he wants.
After all, your family won’t be a happy environment if he is only staying for the children’s sake and they, in turn, will feel the unease.
I am sending you support packs Cheating, Can You Get Over It? And Raising Self-esteem to help.
You can also find support through Tavistock Relationships (tavistock relationships.org, 0207 380 1960) which offers affordable counselling either online or in person.