Dad’s Not Gonna Like This: Mom Just Got Sucked Out Of The Plane Window
Our long-awaited family vacation is off to a rocky start, and Dad’s liable to blow a gasket when he finds out why: Mom just got sucked out of the plane window.
Christ, Mom. We talked about how important this trip was to Dad!
Dad’s been looking forward to our big Boston adventure for months now, but naturally, right when our flight got within spitting distance of Logan International, Mom went and leaned on a structural defect in the plane window that triggered an explosive decompression and slurped her clear out into the troposphere. She probably could have stayed inside the aircraft if she’d had her seatbelt buckled, but you know how fidgety Mom gets. She just had to undo it so she could “be comfy” and do that weird crossed-legged thing she does on planes. Well, now she’s in uncontrolled freefall toward earth’s surface, the cabin’s totally depressurized, and Dad’s gonna flip his wig as soon as he gets back from the lavatory and learns what happened. So thanks for that, Mom! Hope “being comfy” was worth it.
Dad’s got a short fuse in the best of times, but his temper is gonna go supernova once he finds out Mom managed to autodefenestrate at 35,000 feet. We’re not looking forward to telling him that the weird, loud noise he heard from the bathroom—like the sound of somebody sucking a noodle through a straw, if the noodle could shriek—was actually his own wife throwing a big impact crater-shaped wrench into his vacation plans. We just know he’s going to make a scene, shouting out the window after her about how she better land on something soft because we have tickets for the Boston Harbor Sunset Cruise tonight and he’s sure as shit not spending the whole time on the phone with their life insurance. And jeez, he’ll be especially livid when he realizes that despite not being able to grab hold of an armrest or the window itself on her way out, Mom somehow managed to maintain an iron grip on the iPad he lent her so she could watch Outlander. So now he’s down a wife and an iPad, since Mom’s inevitable collision with the ground definitely won’t be under warranty.
Sometimes we think Mom’s actually trying to drive Dad insane with all the bullshit she pulls.
While we’re definitely not happy about Mom hurtling toward the earth at terminal velocity or anything, we’re hoping that the experience of flipping violently through the air like some kind of human pinwheel might at least make Mom consider booking an aisle seat next time we fly somewhere, assuming she lives. Things between her and Dad might actually improve in the long run if she takes getting sucked out the plane window as a kind of teachable moment. But given that the pilot just announced we’re making an emergency landing in fucking Hartford, Connecticut of all places, Mom’s got a long road ahead before Dad forgives her for blowing up the week full of clam chowder and Paul Revere shit he’d been planning for so long.
Alright, the lavatory’s “Occupied” light just went out, so wish us luck breaking it to Pop that his Boston dreams are now a total wash. That’s classic Mom for you—get sucked out of the plane window, and leave everybody else to deal with the consequences!