My partner deserted us, but my kids are pushing me away
DEAR DEIDRE: My partner left me and our four children four months ago.
He just packed his stuff and went, without giving a reason.
I’m 43 and he’s 48. A month later I discovered that he’d been having an affair with a family friend.
It has left me devastated. I feel upset, confused, betrayed and so alone.
Our children’s world has been rocked and the two eldest refused to talk to him.
Although I was hurt, I encouraged them to keep him in their life and to continue to talk to him, as he is still their dad.
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One of them is now speaking to their dad, but they are hardly talking to me.
This is really painful. All I want is to be close to all my children and to be able to look after them through this difficult time.
Instead, I feel I am being pushed further away.
I encouraged them to build bridges, but now feel I am being punished for it.
I’ve tried getting counselling for myself and for the children, but this does not seem to be available where we live.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You are doing the right thing by putting your children first and thinking of their well-being.
It is true that it’s healthier for children to have relationships with both parents, unless there is a safeguarding issue.
While it may not feel like it now this will definitely help everyone in the long term. Your children are still trying to adjust to the new situation and may feel torn between the two of you.
It’s hard to cope with parents separating, which may explain why one of your children in particular has become withdrawn. My support pack When Parents Fall Out explains more.
It’s not clear where you have tried to get counselling, but you can find family therapy support through relate.org.uk.
You have also been badly let down and while it’s selfless to look after your children, you do also need to take care of yourself.
I would also encourage you to talk to Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk). Don’t be put off by the name – they are there to help mothers too.