Perplexing: The Quiet Guy In The Office Who’s 15 Years Older Than Everyone Else And Whose Ass Crack Is Always Showing Brought In A Crate Of Pineapples But It’s Unclear If They’re Up For Grabs Or What

Here’s an office mystery that will have you scratching your head and channeling your inner Sherlock Holmes: The quiet guy in the office who’s 15 years older than everyone else and whose ass crack is always showing brought in a crate of pineapples, but it’s unclear if they’re up for grabs or what. 

Damn. What the hell’s the deal with all those pineapples? 

The man who brought in the mysterious pineapples, 45-year-old Bryce Kanner, has worked at PixelPerfect Digital Marketing for over seven years now, but because digital marketing is a field that tends to attract younger professionals, he’s always been almost old enough to be everyone else on staff’s dad. Bryce is well liked around the office and has always turned in a solid performance, but his quietness, his age, and the fact that his ass crack is always showing due to his ill-fitting clothing and hipless physique have kept him from fully gelling with the rest of his coworkers. In fact, unbeknownst to Bryce, the office has an entire separate Slack channel with everyone but Bryce in it where they discuss things that pertain more to people in their twenties, such as dating, memes, and weed. 

As of 8 a.m. this morning, the office’s side Slack channel has been abuzz with fascination with the entire wooden crate of pineapples that Bryce brought into work and set on the floor with zero explanation. “Does anyone know what the deal with those pineapples is?” read the first message, followed by, “Pineapples? What?” and “Dude, Ass Crack Guy brought in like 2 dozen pineapples. Like in an actual wooden crate and shit.” “Did anyone ask them what they’re for?” read another message, with responses ranging from, “I’m sure they’re for everyone to take home, but I’m not going to be the first to grab one,” to, “Does he have kids? Maybe all the pineapples are for his kids?” Even the office’s top-level manager, who is 28, chimed in with, “I just had a 3 minute conversation with him where he basically said 2 words the entire time RIGHT NEXT to the pineapples. I was hoping he would bring them up, but eventually I ran out of things to talk about and he wandered off to the bathroom.”

The quest to discover the purpose of the pineapples has only grown more urgent as the end of the day gets closer, as it would be truly heartbreaking if Bryce had intended for the rest of the staff to dig into the pineapple crate and no one ended up taking any. At the same time, it would definitely be super awkward for someone to just go and grab a pineapple after they’ve sat there all this time undisturbed, only to have Bryce has to stop them and say, “Hey, those are mine.” The whole office is hoping Bryce, whose ass crack has been on display today as much as ever, will explain why he brought in so much tropical fruit, but that’s looking less and less likely. After seven full hours of silence on the topic the pineapples, it’s become far too awkward to broach the subject with Bryce. 

God help us. What in the living fuck is going on here? 

There’s not a lot of time left, and this could be gearing up to be the biggest Bryce-related disaster at PixelPerfect since 2019 when Maggie described one of the office’s UPS drivers to Bryce as “the super old one” despite the driver being younger than Bryce. It’s going to take a miracle to figure out the purpose of these pineapples at this point. Things aren’t looking good. Things aren’t looking good at all.