Ask Amy: A reader mourns the death of a Friend

Dear Amy: I’ve been in a bad place, and I’m a little surprised at the reason: I am grieving over the death of Matthew Perry.

I couldn’t identify why I was feeling so low, until I finally realized that what I was feeling was grief.

How can you grieve someone that you never knew personally?

I think maybe it has to do with what I felt this person gave to me.

I just wish I could say, “Thank you for all the laughs!”

What is your perspective on this type of thing?

I’d love to know what you think.

– Hurting in California

Dear Hurting: As of this writing, the death of this beloved actor is still very new, and I can well understand why you (and many others) feel very real grief over this loss.

Actors, musicians, writers, and other cultural figures can make an indelible mark on our own real and lived experience. And when the loss involves an actor who created a memorable character who came into our living rooms over such a long period of time, you feel as if you have lost a very real “Friend.”

Additionally, Matthew Perry’s decades-long and very public struggle with addiction use disorder adds a sad and tragic poignancy to the end of his life, which came way too soon.

Reading accounts of the extreme physical consequences of his alcohol and drug addiction, as well as his many painful, heartbreaking, and public relapses, one realizes that fame, fortune, and the very best Friends were ultimately no match for this disease.

I read a quote from Matthew Perry, where he said that he knew he would be remembered for “Friends,” but that he wished he would be remembered for his role in helping other addicts on the road to sobriety. Many people currently in recovery have spoken publicly about his vital role in personally helping them, including his choice to turn his former home into a sober living facility called the Perry House.

He said, “I would like to be remembered as somebody who lived well, loved well, [and] was a seeker.”

His death is a legitimate loss to mourn, but also a legacy to celebrate.

Dear Amy: My mother died recently, after a brief illness.

It was heartbreaking for me, because my father died 10 years ago, and now they’re both gone.

I sent a text to my close friends letting them know about her death and telling them that there would not be a service.

My mom had requested to be cremated and to have a gathering for family only.

My friends all responded with sympathy to my text telling them that my mother had died.

My two closest friends asked if I needed anything. At that time I really did not need anything, and so I said no. One of these two friends has never called or stopped by to visit me.

I don’t know if I should reach out to these friends asking why they’re ignoring me, or just leave it alone.

I am very hurt and would prefer to end my relationship with them.

Your thoughts?

– Grieving

Dear Grieving: My thoughts are that if you allow your grief to extend to ending these friendships, you will be very alone.

Your friends might not be deliberately ignoring you. They may see this as “giving you space.”

Two universal truths are revealed here: No two people grieve alike, and many of us behave within cultural norms that don’t teach us how to acknowledge others’ loss and grief.

Your mother’s choice to keep her memorial service very small denied you the opportunity to gather with friends at one time and in one place, with everyone sharing some of the rituals of loss. This might have helped you to feel more connected.

I hope you will not give up on these friendships. Your friends asked you once if you needed anything, and now it’s time for you to say, “I really do need something. I need to spend some time together. I need to talk.”

Dear Amy: Thank you for standing up for public schooling for young children in your response to “Want the Best.”

Preschoolers need to be around other children (outside of the homeschooling pod). They learn important social skills that cannot be taught only at home.

– Grateful Mom

Dear Grateful: In another era, I worked as a substitute teacher for a well-regarded preschool. I learned so much from these teachers and children, and completely agree about the vital importance of acquiring “prosocial” skills in early life.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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