Joelle A. Murchison: Navigating those difficult topics during Thanksgiving
If your dear Uncle Bob is coming for Thanksgiving, but his political views give you heartburn, you may have chosen in previous years to avoid political talk over the turkey. However, if done right, you and your relatives and friends with different viewpoints can have constructive conversations that can lead to more understanding, respect and a better relationship.
In my Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion practice we teach a workshop called “Navigating Difficult Conversations.” In it we talk about the value of discussing our differences to foster mutual
understanding, empathy and a deeper understanding of diverse perspectives. I believe firmly that
respectful discourse is the solution to our polarized society. And that is something we do not get on
social media or in sound bites, but with in-person interaction.
The key is respecting our differences, setting guidelines for a conversation, and most importantly,
setting a goal to further understanding, not to win the conversation.
Why take a chance on ruining dinner?
People can hold opposing viewpoints and still love each other; however, sometimes the differences can weaken the relationship. If Uncle Bob posts vociferously on social media opposition to one political candidate while niece Anne champions the candidate, the two can begin to resent each other, even if they are their favorite relatives otherwise. Only by talking respectively about our differences can we reconnect with understanding.
How are our family members’ beliefs so different?
We all have different experiences in our lives that lead us to adopt differing beliefs. Once these beliefs are entrenched, we make choices that support them. Humans have confirmation bias. We like to be right. It helps us feel good about ourselves, and it is comfortable and reassuring. Social media companies know this. Because their goal is to keep our eyes on their apps, they deliver to us content that fires up those happy chemicals in our brains, content that reinforces our sense of well-being and thus, our rightness, not content that challenges our views.
We further reinforce our own rightness with the people we choose as friends. We tend to surround
ourselves with people who have similar experiences and beliefs. This is called similarity bias — we prefer what is like us over what is different. Within our own bubbles, echo chambers form. We must step outside of our bubbles if we hope to connect with those who may not share the same views.
To connect in a productive way, there must be ground rules.
Ground rules
In the best conversations, all parties know and agree to the ground rules. If Uncle Bob comes into the conversation aiming to prove that his opinion is the right one, you won’t get far. Set the proverbial table with some ground rules.
Remove distractions: An active dinner table may not be the best setting for a political conversation. You want to find a place where you and your relative can be present and focused. Perhaps after dinner before the turkey coma kicks in, or at halftime of a post-dinner football game you’re watching, unless of course Uncle Bob’s team is losing badly. You may want to step away from the noise and find a quiet space to share your viewpoints. Put your phones down and be present.
Don’t be in it to win it: We often enter a conversation with the aim to win it, to convince others of our
rightness and sway them to our views. This is a losing battle. Think about any arguments you have
engaged in on social media. Has anyone’s mind been changed? Instead, seek to better understand and connect with someone. The goal cannot be to win the conversation. You can introduce this rule by saying, “We’re not going to change each other’s minds, but I want to understand more about why you see things the way you do.”
Listen with empathy and share generously: Listen, but be willing to be vulnerable and share the true reasoning behind your viewpoint. A good conversation is a give and take. Encourage participants to express their viewpoints by sharing personal stories or experiences that have shaped their beliefs. This approach humanizes the conversation, making it less about abstract political ideologies and more about personal values and experiences.
Assume positive intent: Even if you disagree with your relative, assume they do not seek to hurt others. Certain political viewpoints may seem to those with opposing views to be hurtful to some, while those who hold the viewpoint may feel they are protecting others. Seek and try to understand their reasoning.
Let’s tango: In our workshops we use a video by Dr. Fred Kofman, a leadership advisor and founder and president of the Conscious Business Center. Dr. Kofman demonstrates that when one person pushes the other with words, the urge is to push back, which leads nowhere. Instead of pushing, Dr. Kofman invites people to yield and try to see what the other person sees. Then, the duo may gently turn so they may see the other viewpoint. Together the two engage in a conversational tango, a much better way to discuss than a wrestling match of confrontational words.
Be prepared to find common ground and a mutual way forward: This does not mean you need to agree about the topic at hand; however, you may be able to agree that you both have the best interests of your loved ones in mind, or that your political passions bely a deep caring for your country. A mutual way forward may be to discuss each other’s viewpoints regularly, ground rules in place. It may be to avoid commenting on each other’s social media feed. Or it may be that the turkey was dry, but the stuffing was perfect. Either way, you will have demonstrated that you care enough to respectfully seek out your relative’s viewpoints.
Discussing politics with family may not be comfortable. Only by stepping out of that comfort zone can we start to bridge our differences. And that can only happen one interaction at a time. Why not start with family?
One last thing: What if Uncle Bob says something racist over Thanksgiving turkey? If a friend or family member says something racist, here are some appropriate responses in the moment. If you value your relationship with the family member, you should have a conversation with them when appropriate.
“What do you mean by that?”
“I find that language unacceptable.”
“Please don’t say that around me again.”
“That sounded racist to me.”
You may want to explain why the remark is racist. Instead of calling them out, call them in. Do not
attack; explain why the comment is racist.
Joelle A. Murchison is the founder and principal of EMG, LLC, a diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI), and leadership consulting practice. Murchison has worked in DEI for more than two decades. In particular, she served as the chief diversity officer at both Travelers Insurance and the University of Connecticut, before launching EMG.