Harriette Cole: My old friend is back in my life, and she has brought a lot of drama
Plus: How do I broach redecorating my boyfriend's apartment?
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently reconnected with a childhood friend, and unfortunately it seems that she hasn’t changed her pattern of constantly being involved in hostile situations and drama.
While I cherish our past memories, I’ve moved away from that environment and want to distance myself from negativity.
How can I gracefully maintain a respectful distance from her without causing friction or hurting her feelings? I value our history, but I want a more positive and drama-free environment in my life.
— Expired Friendship
DEAR EXPIRED FRIENDSHIP: Sometimes it’s best to leave the past in the past. Whatever happened to make your friendship with this person dissipate naturally was probably for the best.
Know that you do not need to keep it going now. That is not your obligation. You don’t have to get into a confrontation with her, either. You can simply stop initiating activities with her. Be busy when she invites you to do things. After a while, she should get the message.
Better, though: Be honest and direct. Your intention can be heartfelt. Tell her that you have enjoyed reconnecting with her, but this is not the right time in your life to continue hanging out. Tell her that you have noticed that she still likes to be in the center of drama. That may work for her, but it does not work for you.
Wish her well, and stop engaging. It may hurt her feelings at first, but it may also open her eyes.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a while, and he’s asked me to move in with him. I’m excited about this next step in our relationship, but I’m hesitant about redecorating or making changes to his apartment.
I want to respect his space, but there are several alterations I’d like to make to make it feel more like “ours.”
How can I navigate this situation without overstepping or making him feel uncomfortable about the changes I envision? I want to find a balance between honoring his space and incorporating my ideas to create a space that reflects both of us.
— Blending Styles
DEAR BLENDING STYLES: Moving in together is a big deal and should be treated as such.
Since you will be moving into your boyfriend’s place, you absolutely should talk about the physical living space and the fact that you would like to add some touches that feel like you. Be prepared to give examples of what you mean.
Beyond that, now is the time to talk about what it means to live together. Will you share in the cost of rent? How will household duties be managed? What expectations do each of you have about living with the other?
Has either of you lived with anyone before? If so, talk about what worked — and what didn’t. Learn as much as you can about how you both live before you start doing it together. This should help set the stage for this new adventure in your lives.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.