Why Gift Giving Is So Stressful

An Atlantic guide to giving and receiving presents—without forgetting the joy of the process

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If you weren’t already feeling enough pressure to pick out the perfect holiday gifts, this article from Anna Goldfarb will do the trick: Gifts, both the great ones and the disappointing ones, say a lot more about the buyer than about the receiver. Gifts represent our feelings about other people but also the ways we see ourselves. No wonder choosing a gift can feel exhausting.

Yet the psychological complexity of gift giving can actually make it less stressful, Goldfarb argued last year: “Gift giving is a nuanced psychological transaction in which the givers also bring their own desires to the table,” and realizing that gift giving is never a purely selfless act can help both givers and receivers lower their expectations, easing some of the anxiety, she notes. (Another way to ease the stress: Stop using gift as a verb. “‘Gifting’ is the ‘moist’ of the action-word world,” my colleague Megan Garber wrote back in 2014, and she is still correct.)

Below is a nontraditional gift guide, full of advice not for choosing the perfect gift but for protecting your sanity and joy during the process.

On Gift Giving

Gift Giving Is About the Buyer, Not the Receiver

By Anna Goldfarb

Many of us want to feel like we’re benevolent, yet we pay substantial attention to how the process of giving will make us feel about ourselves.

Why You’re Bad at Giving Gifts

By Derek Thompson

Ironically, we’re awful gift givers precisely because we spend too much time trying to be considerate. (From 2014)

What Happens When You Buy From Gift Guides

By Amanda Mull

Every website wants to pick out your mom’s next cashmere sweater.

Still Curious?

• An alternative to overspending on presents: Gift giving is a beloved—and expensive—tradition. But some people have found a way to partake without the cost.
• “I’m not sure why my sister stopped giving gifts to my children”: A reader writes in to our “Dear Therapist” column.

Other Diversions

• A sort-of-common, very strange cat trick
• Autumn colors and autumn chill
• Why most of America is terrible at eating biscuits (From 2018)

P.S.

I’ll leave you with some words of wisdom from our happiness columnist to help you handle being given a bad gift.

— Isabel