Miss Manners: Did they really think it was OK to say this in an obituary?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This morning I read the obituaries of three local women.

The first spent just two sentences describing the deceased, followed by a list of 26 people who had predeceased her and 37 people who survived her, with no description of how they were related to the deceased. It was essentially just a long list of names.

The second obituary listed the survivors of the deceased as including “a great-grandson expected in August,” which seems to stretch the definition of “survivor.”

The third obituary listed the dead woman’s six “grand-dogs,” by name, before listing her five human grandchildren.

Are there no longer any basic rules of etiquette or guidelines for such publications?

GENTLE READER: There is at least one inviolable rule, which is that we do not criticize other people’s choices while they are grieving, even if the choices are poor ones — and even if they enliven our breakfast reading.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one politely, yet firmly, respond to people who insult one’s profession?

I am a lawyer, and I say so when I’m asked what my profession is. Some people feel it is then their right, or even their obligation, to go on a tirade against all lawyers. This happens mostly at social gatherings where I would prefer not to respond in kind, and yet I feel that some response is warranted.

Any suggestions for how to respond in a manner that is within the bounds of good manners, yet isn’t just smiling through my teeth?

GENTLE READER: “I hope you’ll never need one.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was asked to attend a retirement gathering. While such events are typically held for only one guest of honor, this is for two former co-workers of mine. It will be a small gathering at a restaurant, and I plan on attending.

One of the retirees, Jenna, is a person I would like to talk to. She is so insightful, and my years working with her were always a pleasure.

Unfortunately, Jason, the other honoree, is another story. His actions became one of several reasons I left the company. Jason got paid much more than I did, yet somehow I was given some of his duties on top of my own busy workload.

The problem is that I want to give Jenna a small gift, but not Jason. I know Jason’s wife will make some kind of comment about my giving only Jenna a gift. I am struggling for a polite reply if this happens.

GENTLE READER: Tell Jenna at the party how much you enjoyed working with her, and that you have a small token of appreciation you would like to mail to her later, if she would provide an address.

Miss Manners also insists that you congratulate Jason on his retirement. You can do so sincerely, as you doubtless believe that the company will be better off without him.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.