How to Set Boundaries With Your Extended Family This Holiday Season — & Stick To Them

When our oldest child was young and an only child, Christmas was mayhem. We would attend a minimum of six different family gatherings over the course of two weeks. To put it mildly, it was exhausting. Each visit required us to bring gifts, food, and of course, ourselves and our baby.

My family loves all things Christmas. However, as we grew from three people to six over a few short years, we quickly realized we couldn’t sustain the frantic holiday weeks. None of us were having a merry and bright holiday. We showed up at events to appease others, dragging our tired kids in, with a homemade dish and a stack of gifts in tow. This was all done in the name of tradition, not making spirits bright.

We hit a wall. My husband and I had long conversations about what to cut out — and why. We wanted to be home Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning, just us and our kids. We craved a laid-back Christmas, opening Santa gifts, wearing our pajamas, and having brunch. No hustle and bustle, no cranky kids … and, if we’re being real, no cranky adults, either.

We know we aren’t alone. Parents and kids tend to have the hardest time during the holidays, mainly because the season is completely out of routine. There’s a lot of sugar, a lot of overstimulation, and a whole lot of expectations. It’s no wonder that every year, most of us parents have a crash-and-burn moment (or two, or three, or more).

I have great news for you. This is your year — the year you put your foot down by creating some boundaries to ensure that your family’s holiday season is jolly. I know: you’re wondering, “How?” We checked in with Keicia Noelle Hare, a psychotherapist and speaker, for guidance. She gives us five steps to create boundaries — and a much happier, more peaceful holiday season.

Define ‘Boundaries’

We hear a whole lot of talk about boundaries, but what is a boundary? Hare tells us that boundaries are an essential part of self-care, self-love, and self-protection. Despite what you may believe, it’s important to understand that “healthy boundaries are not selfish; they are self-full.” Boundaries serve a few purposes, including protecting people and helping us be comfortable, happy, healthy, and safe. Boundaries aren’t weapons we use to threaten other people. Instead, boundaries are for ourselves — and our families.

When parents prioritize boundaries, we teach them to our kids, we respect each other’s boundaries, and we encourage our kids to create their own boundaries so they can be “strong, self-aware, and empowered.” Parents who don’t teach, create, and respect boundaries are setting their kids up to be vulnerable to unhealthy relationships and situations.

Sit Down with Your Nuclear Family

Hare says that first and foremost, there should be a good old-fashioned family meeting where all adults and kids in the home are included. She notes that including everyone sends an important message: “We respect you, we want to hear what you think and how you feel, and we are working out some rules to make you feel safe.” There are the deal-breakers that should be addressed, Hare tells us; non-negotiables like “politics, religion, sexism, racism, homophobia, creepiness, drunken behavior, forced physical contact, trauma-dumping.”

Then, she adds, families can move to conversations regarding gifting budgets, dietary needs, and “where you will spend the holiday and with what people.” Allow each person to share what they do and don’t like about past plans and traditions. Create a list of family holiday boundaries that respects all your nuclear family members’ needs and preferences.

Communicate with Extended Family

Here’s the hard part. Now that you have your family’s boundaries established, it’s time to communicate them with extended family. Hare advises texting or e-mailing your family’s boundaries well in advance of the holiday “to give people a chance to process.” Share that boundaries are mutually beneficial, “to make sure that everyone has a happy, peaceful, and relaxed holiday.” Remember, just because some family members are committed to causing drama or perpetuating negativity, chaos, and problems doesn’t mean your boundary isn’t valid. Some people have family members who deal with addiction, are narcissists, or are abusive — but even when these are absent, there are family members who can be rather stubborn about “this is the way things have always been, so why make changes?”

Don’t look at or approach boundaries as a negative. Empathetic family members are likely to understand and give you what you need. Toxic people, however, will try to “poke holes” in your boundaries, or exploit, manipulate, argue, shame, humiliate, or abuse you for having boundaries. When it comes to toxic people, Hare says, “Keep it short.” Clearly and concisely state what you will (or won’t) be doing, without explanation; no need to provide extra info that they can use against you.

Have a Game Plan

It’s important to note that you’ll need to be emotionally and mentally prepared for some people to disrespect your boundaries, even on the day of a holiday event. Don’t let this stop you from creating those boundaries and sticking to them. Instead, come up with a game plan for when someone pushes back.

If you’re hosting, Hare suggests, you can ask the problematic person to leave the celebration. Alternatively, you can suggest that the boundary-violating person take a “time out” to cool off and regulate. If you are elsewhere, say at an aunt’s home, you and your nuclear family have the option to leave. If there’s a “driving force” to boundary-breaking such as alcohol, agree to an alcohol-free event. If the person is a repeated boundary-violator, there’s always the option not to invite them. (Yep, that’s an option!)

Stay Strong

To be fair, it’s respectful of others to let them know your own plan in advance. If you need to leave the family gathering immediately following Christmas dinner, let the hosts know beforehand. If you won’t be present to participate in a tradition you’ve always participated in previously, give someone a heads up. You don’t have to offer your reasons. Whatever those reasons are, they are valid, and you don’t need approval or permission.

Change is always difficult, especially when a family holiday event has traditionally been done a particular way, at a particular time and date. However, our needs and tolerances change. We may have income restrictions, a child’s disabilities may make hours-on-end gift unwrapping difficult, or, to be honest, we may just not feel like lugging gifts (and kids) to the grandparents’ house at 7 o’clock on Christmas morning. Validate those boundaries, review them with your nuclear family, and then carry out those out with no apologies.

When it comes to the holidays and holding your boundaries, Hare encourages us to remember that “it is very important to be able to tolerate people’s discomfort.” Don’t cave just because someone is disgruntled. Your father-in-law might be furious that he’s not taking the kids to visit Santa this year — but those are his emotions to work through. Your job is to take care of yourself and your family, says Hare. Give boundary-making and boundary-enforcing a whirl this season, and then enjoy the peaceful, relaxed holiday that you and your family have yearned for.