Новости за 12.04.2024

LOS ANGELES—Confessing that they couldn’t stand the thought of bursting their teammate’s perfect little bubble, sources confirmed Friday that nobody in the Dodgers organization had the heart to tell Shohei Ohtani what was going on with his interpreter. “Currently, Shohei has zero clue about the controversy surrounding…

The advocacy group Consumer Reports found that Lunchables contain potentially dangerous levels of lead, cadmium, and phthalates, as well as nearly half a child’s recommended daily intake of sodium, and has advised the USDA to remove the product from the list of foods available through the National School Lunch…

NAPLES, ITALY—In what is being hailed as a milestone in understanding the civilization that thrived in the region prior to a devastating natural disaster, University of Cambridge archaeologists confirmed Friday that their excavation of ancient Pompeii had unearthed a fully intact “Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli” tea…

While many supporters had hoped Donald Trump would support a 15-week federal abortion ban, the former president has instead stated that the issue should be left up to the states. The Onion explores the pros and cons of allowing each individual state to enact their own abortion laws.

Xaviar Michael Babudar, known for attending Kansas City Chiefs games dressed as a wolf and going by the name “ChiefsAholic”, was sentenced to pay a bank teller $10.8 million in damages after an armed robbery of an Oklahoma credit union. What do you think?

The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a Civil War–era near-total abortion ban is law. The Onion provides in-depth analysis of everything we know about Arizona’s 1864 abortion law.

NEW YORK—Humiliated by the front-of-house manager’s derision, local diner Geoff Telsey was reportedly forced to wear the maître d’s toupee Friday after arriving at the restaurant Chez Moreau bald. “Sir, we require hair in the dining room,” said the maître d’, who returned from the coat-check closet with a musty,…

ITHACA, NY—Describing the environment as inadequate for the cognitive development of children, parenting experts at Cornell University warned Wednesday that sealing a newborn for years inside a chamber made entirely of glowing screens could have potentially negative effects. “Studies have produced very concerning data…

Despite being unable to complete a single school assignment, 13-year-old boys somehow have the patience to sit through a four-hour Andrew Tate video. If you catch your son watching right-wing propaganda, here is what you should say.

BANGOR, ME—Tearing away the pall of shadow and misery that had once cloaked his whole existence, an extra egg roll mistakenly thrown into a takeout order at local Chinese restaurant Panda Palace reportedly became Allen Russo’s sole reason for living this week. “There is hope in this bleak world after all,” said…

ASHGABAT, TURKMENISTAN—Putting her aspirations on the back burner for now, new mother Akja Charyeva told reporters Friday that she was forced to put her dream of becoming a Central Asian dictator on hold. “However much I want to bring the Turkmen people under the rule of my iron first, I have to prioritize taking care…