Новости за 07.05.2024

Columbia University canceled its commencement ceremony after weeks of pro-Palestinian protests that have shaken the campus, despite the fact that other universities have held their ceremonies with few disruptions. What do you think?

IQUITOS, PERU—Disappointed by the limitations of the psychotropic medicine, an ayahuasca-tripping God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Tuesday how underwhelmed He was to see Himself. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but I sort of figured I’d see something more awe-inspiring than the face of Me,” said…

CHICAGO—Dismissing concerns that funds were being mismanaged, the Chicago Police Department vigorously defended its decision this week to buy an entire fleet of 1967 Ferraris. “We will use these babies to keep the community safe, and we will look badass while doing so,” said Chicago Police Superintendent Larry…

DAYTON, OH—Several reports indicated Tuesday that the email that would tear your life apart was currently in your nemesis’s draft folder and that after it was sent, nothing would ever be the same again. According to sources, the 600-word email—penned by your lifelong foe—is CC’d to your friends, your relatives, and…

LOS ANGELES—Kicking down the unlocked classroom door after listlessly wandering around campus, bored riot cops reportedly broke up a calculus course at the University of California, Los Angeles, on Tuesday. “Hey guys, look—there’s some students in there,” said Los Angeles Police Department Lt. Thomas Larkins, who led…