You Have Reached the Turning-Thirty Helpline

Thank you for calling the Turning-Thirty Helpline for People Having Big Feelings About Turning Thirty. We’re here to help you navigate the transition from your twenties to your thirties, and we promise not to wish you a happy birthday.

Please listen closely as your menu options have recently changed.

Press 1 if you relate less to “thirty, flirty, and thriving” and more to “trying, crying, and teeth-grinding.” We’ll connect you to a dentist who will share the magic of nighttime mouthguards.

Press 2 to report a 500 percent increase in targeted ads for Botox, clean anti-aging products, messy anti-aging products, freezing your eggs, recipes for eggs, recipes for soup, and freezing your soup.

If you’d prefer an open space to vent about the targeted ads algorithm, press 3 for affirming “mm-hmm” noises.

If you’re frustrated because you assumed that by this time you’d “have it all figured out,” and “have savings or at least health insurance,” and “willingly eat brussels sprouts,” press 4 to speak to our Manager of Expectations.

If your biggest struggle is that you haven’t written a book before thirty, visited thirty countries by thirty, or been included in Forbes 30 Under 30, please use your phone to bop yourself in the head.

Press 5 if you’ve been feeling insecure because you still don’t know how outfits work beyond “skinny jeans and a top.” We can connect you to concerned gen-Z volunteers managing the “That Fit Is Not a Vibe” Helpline.

Press 6 if you recently gushed about a new type of Swiffer pads, then immediately felt horrified. We’d love your recommendations—we consider ourselves to be Swiffies too.

Press 7 if a teenager has gasped upon discovering you were “born in the 1900s.” A pro bono life coach is available for consultations; you may be entitled to commiseration.

If a romantic partner recently said, “Yes, ma’am,” in a way they intended as flirtatious, but you interpreted as cruel, we’d honestly be upset if you didn’t press 8 to access our “Termination of Relationship” message template.

If you’re excited to turn thirty and want party planning tips, we’re sorry. That is beyond our realm of expertise.

Press 9 if you’ve joked that you’d consider getting married simply for the wedding gifts and health insurance, but the more you think about it, the more it sounds like a sort of appealing idea. We’ll connect you to a specialty matchmaker who will pair you with someone with similar taste in stainless steel kitchenware who is willing to add you to their no-deductible health plan.

If you’re somewhat soothed by the idea that, at the very least, your thirties will be the decade you become self-actualized and feel like a grown-up, please remain on the line to be connected to someone in their forties so they can have a good laugh.