Новости за 24.12.2015

Aw, an asteroid is planning to drop by Earth this Christmas Eve, just like your third cousin who comes over and steals all the frosted Santa cookies before they’re finished. But, unlike your cousin, this asteroid will cause you no emotional harm.

After being ordered by a New York judge to return to the United States to spend Christmas with his mother, Madonna’s son Rocco is refusing to leave his father in London.

The week surrounding Christmas, like the days surrounding Thanksgiving, has always been a danger zone when it comes to running into old high school classmates who we’d rather not see. So how do we get by?

‘Tis the season for rendering architectural icons out of cookies and plotting to murder your family in a remote mountain hotel. Now the two best things about Christmastime are together at last.

In Pocatello, Idaho, a lunch lady named Dalene Bowden has been fired for giving a hot lunch to a needy 12-year-old student. She was dismissed for “theft.” The meal cost a grand total of $1.70.

We, as a trio, are very nervous people. Much of the anxiety we experienced in 2015 involved our cats, which is sad and unsurprising; we also worried about climate change, ~boy problems~, and dying in a fire. One freakout happened just now, when we collectively realized that we had put off writing this list until the very last minute. But we did it.

Fernande Grudet, the controversial figure—better known by the name “Madame Claude”—who operated high-end call girl rings for powerful clientele throughout the latter half of the 20th century, has passed away in Nice, France, at the age of 92. “Two things in life sell: food and sex,” Claude once said. “And I was not meant to be a chef.”

As a sort of advent calendar of kitsch, Pictorial will be counting down the final twelve days before Christmas by featuring some holiday presents of days gone by.

The scenario: your stepfather won’t stop playing Mannheim Steamroller because it’s so festive but also “experimental” and “cool.” The solution: convince him to let you play these “alternative” Christmas jams by making him think you’re letting him in on a secret that will make him even “cooler.”

Everyone knows Ja Rule is a wonderful storyteller, as evidenced by classics like “Put It On Me” and “Always on Time,” a song about always being on time. Well, Ja Rule is also for the kids. Or is it Ja Yule?

Have you ever looked at Texas Senator and Republican presidential candidate Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz and thought, “Huh, I wonder what’s going on with him, sexually?”

It’s nine hundred degrees and hailing on the eve of our Lord and Savior Jesus Krampus. The daffodils are blooming; the tinsel wilts; a solitary wolf in upstate New York feels the twinge of stigmata and tilts his head to the east. Haters across the nation drop to the ground in penance; mothers in kitchens lay out pastries left over from the office party and pause, soulfully—sensing the charge that electrifies the tropical wind.

The film critic for L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper owned by the Holy See, saw Star War: The Force Gets Woke and didn’t like it as much as the overwhelming majority of critics did. This is funny for countless reasons, the most important being the image of bishops quietly saying things like “Chewbacca” and “Kylo Ren” while walking through St. Peter’s Basilica with their newspapers.

Matt Bevin—a far, far-right Tea Partier and political novice who loves cockfighting, voting against the Violence Against Women Act, and uninsured constituents —is now, because no one fucking voted, the governor of Kentucky. Things are not going great!

After accidentally touching her Elf on a Shelf doll at her family’s home, a seven-year-old girl in New Jersey did exactly what she thought she should do when faced with an emergency. She called 911.

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Did Chris Martin run over a paparazzo with his Jeep earlier this year while his family was in the car? I don’t know, Gawker doesn’t know , Shania Twain thinks no one needs to know, Fiona Apple knows but won’t tell us, and the man who was allegedly struck by Martin claims to know and is suing him because of it.

Micro-unit developments—new apartments that are 400 square feet or smaller—are sprouting up all over the country as cities try to cram more housing into their neighborhoods. New York City’s first micro-unit development opened this month and it’s controversial—even in a city where people already pay top dollar to live in tiny apartments.

Lifehacker Most Popular Clever Uses and MacGyver Tips of 2015 | io9 Christmas Twister Is the Most Hilariously Awful Movie About Climate Change Ever | Kotaku That’s One Lucky Arcade Crane Catch | The Concourse The Best Things We Watched In 2015 |

In a case similar to the one brought on to Sofia Vergara by her ex, Nick Loeb, a woman in St. Louis is asking a court for custody of the two frozen embryos she jointly owns with her former husband. Before their divorce in 2014, Jalesia McQueen and Justin Gadberry froze four embryos and used in vitro fertilization to have two sons. A court ruled that the couple both own the two remaining embryos, but McQueen wants to use them now to have more children.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are now entering the world of winemaking.

Robert Dear, the man who attacked a Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood clinic last month which resulted in the killing of three people, announced to a judge he wanted to fire his lawyers and represent himself in court. “I do not want them as my lawyers,” Dear said in a court hearing on Wednesday. “I invoke my constitutional right to defend myself.”

Last week, famed prison and civil rights activist Angela Davis spoke to an expanding social justice community in Miami, a city whose progressive movement is more active than its reputation might suggest.

A judge has demanded that Madonna’s son Rocco return to the United States after the 15-year-old refused to leave London, the city where he hopes to spend Christmas (and ultimately reside) with his father, director Guy Ritchie.

In today’s Tweet Beat, Wilmer Valderrama gives some depressing Christmas advice, somebody please help Hoda and I would follow Uzo Aduba anywhere.