Новости за 02.01.2024

BURBANK, CA—Announcing the Beauty And The Beast character was available for public use as of Jan. 1, 2024, Disney CEO Bob Iger confirmed Tuesday that the company was relinquishing the rights to LeFou decades before the film’s copyright expired. “Go ahead, put LeFou in whatever silly slasher films you like—we do not…

NEW YORK—Enrapturing the nation with his well-pressed trousers and matching jacket, a man in an impeccably tailored suit, allegedly with a pocket square and everything, urged Americans to invest in the stock market, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This man, with his crisp, white shirt and perfectly fitted pants obviously…

AUSTIN, TX—Noting that all great innovators must fail in order to succeed, sources confirmed Tuesday that Elon Musk was rushed to the hospital after attempting to impregnate a toaster. The 52-year-old billionaire, who founded Tesla, SpaceX, and Neuralink, reportedly suffered second- and third-degree burns along his…

TROY, MI—Infiltrating her mind, body, and spirit, dark, mysterious forces reportedly compelled local woman Celina Carini to work out Tuesday to the High School Musical 2 soundtrack. Extremely disturbed sources confirmed that chills ran down their spines as they observed Carini step onto a treadmill at the gym, open…

ROCHESTER, NY—Addressing all of their family members who kept name-brand groceries in their fridge without a Sam’s Club membership, the nation’s aunts announced Tuesday that it must be nice not having to worry about money like the rest of us. “Ooh la la—look at you all fancy,” said 56-year-old Bev Harding, speaking…

Thanks to Gov. Ron DeSantis’ so-called ‘war on woke,’ Florida institutions of higher education have experienced an unprecedented brain drain. The Onion asked professors why they are fleeing the state, and this is what they said.

Interested “buyers” stop by any time Thursday after 7 p.m. or Sunday afternoon. Must be prepared to be trapped for several hours.

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