Новости за 08.01.2024

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WASHINGTON—Declining to alert senior officials to his interment for nearly a week, Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin failed to disclose that he had been buried at Arlington National Cemetery, reports confirmed Monday. “I would like to apologize for not informing those in the White House, Congress, and the Pentagon that I…

Pundits suggest President Biden faces a steep uphill battle to retain the White House, with polls showing a stubbornly low approval rating and widespread doubts about his ability to handle the economy. The Onion asked Americans what Biden has to do to earn their vote, and this is what they said.

LOS ANGELES—In an exclusive interview with podcast host Jay Shetty, former first lady Michelle Obama stated Monday that she was “terrified” what could happen in 2024 if Pennywise the Clown came back. “We cannot and we must not take the Ritual of Chüd for granted,” said Obama, who responded to Shetty’s question…

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Defendant Deobra Delone Redden, 30, was in court to defend himself against charges of federal battery with a baseball bat when he leaped over a defense table and the judge’s bench, attacking Judge Mary Kay Holthus and inciting a brawl. What do you think?

Pundits suggest President Biden faces a steep uphill battle to retain the White House, with polls showing a stubbornly low approval rating and widespread doubts about his ability to handle the economy. The Onion asked Americans what Biden has to do to earn their vote, and this is what they said.

WASHINGTON—Approving the bill by a significant margin, both houses of Congress voted Monday in favor of reducing Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits to one free treat per year to be given to each recipient on their birthday. “In an effort to rein in runaway spending on this program for impoverished…

DENVER—Saying the company needed more workers without any hobbies, interests, or social life, local boss Ross Baresh confirmed Monday that he was impressed by what a friendless loser his hardworking employee Kyle Weinrib must be. “I must say, I’m taking a real shine to Kyle and how utterly incapable he is of fostering…

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX—Noting a significant increase in engagement and participation, psychologists confirmed Monday that local father Chris O’Neill was most present while encouraging his children to knock it off. “It was remarkable—instead of being distracted by outside intrusions like his phone or the television, Chris…

Though they belong to the most popular religion in the world, Christians remain mercilessly persecuted by a depraved subset of maniacs who do not believe in God. The Onion asked Christians why atheists are bullies, and this is what they said.

This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.

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ATLANTA—In an effort to align the brand’s supply chain with its Christian values, the fast food restaurant Chick-fil-A announced Monday that it would only serve chickens conceived in wedlock. “Starting today, our more than 3,000 Chick-fil-A locations will no longer ask customers to eat bastard chicks born to unwed…

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