Новости за 19.01.2024

A Justice Department report on the police response to the May 24, 2022 mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, TX identified “cascading failures” in the department’s actions, including waiting too long to confront the gunman, failure to establish a command post, and giving inaccurate information to…

CUPERTINO, CA—Providing a groundbreaking virtual experience that makes users feel like they aren’t stupid and lame, Apple revealed a new Vision Pro app Friday that features the wearer’s friends and family telling them they look really cool and normal in the VR headset. “Today we push the boundaries in immersive VR…

HONOLULU—Determined to offset any bias that might cause them to be overlooked on the basis of their stature, the nation’s short guys held a press conference Friday in which they announced plans to dress real snazzy.

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SACRAMENTO, CA—As an otherworldly glow emanated from the California governor’s meticulously sculpted coiffure, sources confirmed Friday that the pulsating hair product on Gavin Newsom’s head had taken control of his thoughts. “There will be no bills signed, no presidential campaign—there will only be hair,” said the…

Former President Trump recently said immigrants were “poisoning the blood” of America, words that closely mirror the language Adolph Hitler used during his campaign to exterminate the Jews. The Onion asked Republicans how they felt about Trump’s inflammatory comments, and this is what they said.

Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz recently claimed that the MAGA movement was replacing “Karens” with a more diverse base. The Onion asked Republicans to explain why they don’t need women voters, and this is what they said.

WASHINGTON—Frustrated by the lengths to which she had to go to enjoy a night out with friends, local woman Signa Ivarsen confirmed Friday she always wore an enchanted ring when she went to bars in order to avoid revealing to men she was actually a 750-year-old crone. “All I have to do is slip this onto my left hand,…

CHICAGO—Leading the children along their safety rope as if the slightest misstep could result in death or disaster, pre-K teacher Gretchen Silverstone reportedly dragged along a group of 4-year-olds Friday like a prison warden leading a chain gang through the Mojave Desert. According to reports, the 33-year-old…

Kate Middleton, the Princess of Wales, will be hospitalized for two weeks following an abdominal surgery for an undisclosed medical condition and will not return to her royal duties till after Easter. What do you think?

HONOLULU—Determined to offset any bias that might cause them to be overlooked on the basis of their stature, the nation’s short guys held a press conference Friday in which they announced plans to dress real snazzy. “We’re definitely breaking out the two-toned wingtips, and who knows, we might even throw a fedora on…