Новости за 26.01.2024

CHICAGO—Utilizing her extensive knowledge of the contents of both the refrigerator and pantry, local woman Victoria Savini was running her husband Christopher Savini through a list of ideas of things he could have for a snack, sources confirmed Friday. “Crackers? An apple? Toast? Do you want toast?” said Savini who,…

MIDLOTHIAN, TX—Saying he had appeared in the display case with no further explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local pawn shop Money City Jewelry & Loan had a kid in the window. “Whoa, is that a child? I wonder how much they want for him,” said local shopper Laura Reineck, noting that the kid, aged 5 or 6, was…

Baby names have changed a lot in the last half century, and the popularity of traditional male names like Robert, William, or Henry has waned in favor of names that reflect the trends and values of modern times. But whether its traditional or unique, every year, one name rises to the top. Find your birth year and see…

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the big game wouldn’t be the same without the iconic ancient grains, the nation’s quinoa and spelt producers warned of shortages Friday as Americans stocked up for Super Bowl LVIII. “As usually happens this time of year, football fans are heading out to supermarkets nationwide to make…

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During a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley said that America had “never been a racist country.” The Onion asked Americans why our history has always been color-blind, and this is what they said.

BROOKFIELD, WI—Saying he had purchased the artifact of 20th-century warfare at a steal in an online auction, local uncle Kyle Javorsky reportedly announced this week that he had an undetonated World War II-era grenade he wanted to show you. “You recognize that, right? That’s an Mk 2,” said Javorsky, who reportedly…

Emory, Yale, Brown, Columbia, Duke, and the University Of Chicago agreed to collectively pay a fine of $117.7 million to resolve allegations that they, along with 12 other top schools, colluded to limit student financial aid packages. What do you think?

WASHINGTON—Following a tip from the White House IT department, Vice President Kamala Harris was reportedly reprimanded this week for playing The Sims 4 on her work computer. “What the hell is that—is that supposed to be a model White House?” said an irate Jeff Zients, the chief of staff shaking his head in disgust as…

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Immediately regretting every drunken decision that led him to this point, local man John Ewing recoiled in disgust Friday after the pizza he woke up to looked nothing like what he brought to bed last night. “Oh my God, what the hell did I do?” said Ewing, who admitted that while his memory was pretty…