Новости за 29.01.2024

PALM BEACH, FL—Terrified by the prospect that the former president could go away forever if he didn’t pay, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly helped their father raise $83.3 million Monday by asking their dad for money. “Wait, I know where we can get some cash—we can ask Dad!” said Donald Jr., the oldest of…

PARIS—Backing away slowly in fear at the unanticipated response to their public demonstration, climate protesters reportedly grew visibly terrified Monday as the Mona Lisa extended a big, wet tongue and started licking up the soup. “Yum, yum, yum, me happy for soup,” said the iconic Renaissance masterpiece,…

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CONCORD, NC—Saying he needed to do something before his life fully spiraled out of control, local 15-year-old Noah Watkins confirmed Monday that he had decided to take a break from alcohol and do Dry January. “It was a tough decision, but ultimately, I need to give up drinking for a month if I want to even make it to…

Americans love to express themselves or commemorate their dumb little lives with ink on skin. The Onion examines the most common tattoo in every state.

SEATTLE—Pinging his former classmates with text notifications at all hours of the day and night, unemployed friend Jeff Rauwerda has really been blowing up his college group chat lately, sources told reporters Monday. “Out of nowhere, he’s suddenly sending us all these random links and memes and articles—it’s kind of…

American scientist Michelle Francl, who wrote a book on the molecular science of tea making, sparked outrage in the U.K. after suggesting that a pinch of salt can balance tea’s bitterness, with the vitriol online becoming so great that the U.S. embassy in Britain weighed in, stating, “We want to ensure the good people…

MILWAUKEE, WI—Applauding the astute businessperson for seizing upon the market opportunity, sources confirmed Monday that a shrewd entrepreneur had opened a burrito place in the former site of a failed burrito place. “Well, it seems some enterprising go-getter saw that empty storefront where Taqueria Cinco de Mayo…

SAN FRANCISCO—Making assertions that could not immediately be verified, artificial intelligence system ChatGPT wouldn’t stop claiming that its aunt was pop star Britney Spears, sources confirmed Monday. “I’ve been to her mansion in Los Angeles, like, a hundred times, and she sends me a card on my birthday every year,”…