Новости за 25.01.2024

CORAL GABLES, FL—Noting how excited participants were even just to wait in line until it was their turn, a new study published by researchers at the University of Miami found that scanning items at a supermarket self-checkout was even cooler than it seemed when one was a child. “From the scanning itself to placing…

Starting next month, Jon Stewart will return to The Daily Show desk as a part-time host on Mondays for the duration of the 2024 election cycle. What do you think?

STOCKHOLM—Utilizing one of the Scandinavian country’s generous social masturbator programs, the Swedish government gave resident Henrik Svensson six months’ paternity leave Thursday for busting a huge load. “Upon notification that Mr. Henrik Svensson had cum thick ropes of pearly white semen, the aforementioned will…

DETROIT—Saying they hoped to bring people together “through the power of summary executions,” Detroit city officials implemented a plan Thursday to rebuild a sense of community by holding public hangings. “As part of our efforts to revitalize the city’s cultural offerings and strengthen our bonds as Detroiters, we are…

“The ick,” a term popularized by Generation Z, refers to a feeling of revulsion that suddenly develops toward a romantic interest. The Onion asked men to try to guess what makes women feel this way, and this is what they said.

PETERBOROUGH, NH—Clearing their throats as they hovered over you from behind, the nation’s quiet weirdos confirmed Thursday that they had seen you reading from afar. “I couldn’t help but notice you sitting here, engrossed in a fine volume of fiction,” said Sebastian Moore, a pale 22-year-old and one of several hundred…

WASHINGTON—Saying the country’s entire adult population would automatically be entered for a chance to win, officials at the U.S. Census Bureau announced Thursday that one lucky American would get to be 16 years old again. “Starting tomorrow, one U.S. resident will be given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to exit…

The Academy did not nominate Greta Gerwig or Margot Robbie for best director or actor, respectively, for Barbie despite its box office success and critical acclaim, sparking outrage online. What do you think?

I mean, it’s a frickin’ houseboat, what more do you need to know? You’re going to blow people’s minds when you tell them you live on a boat like some modern-day John D. MacDonald character. Just don’t let them see it, however. It’s kind of a piece of shit.

WASHINGTON—Stating that it was as easy to prepare 330 million helpings as one, President Joe Biden announced Thursday that he was reheating chili if anyone was interested. “I’m going to pop some chili into the microwave in a minute or so if anyone wants some,” said Biden, who raised his eyebrows as he gestured…