Новости за 04.03.2024

IOWA CITY, IA—Revealing that the “gut-wrenching” decision had taken months to make, 22-year-old Caitlin Clark announced Monday that she would be leaving the University of Iowa’s basketball program for drama club. “Although these past four years playing for this team have been amazing, I know in my heart I belong in…

GAZA CITY, GAZA—Part of an ongoing mission to provide the struggling population of Gaza with necessary detritus, the United States announced Monday that it had airdropped rubble into the war-torn Palestinian territory. “Over the weekend, the U.S. Air Force dropped 38,000 tons of rubble directly into Gaza to supplement…

PARADISE, NV—Announcing their new contract would be “indefinite,” the Sphere at the Venetian reportedly refused to release U2 Monday despite the band fulfilling the terms of their residency. “Yes, you have played your 40 shows, but the laws of man do not apply to the Sphere,” said the 516-foot-wide Sphere in a booming…

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JANESVILLE, WI—Admitting that it was exactly what he needed to pass the time between sunup and sundown, a visibly disheveled Paul Ryan reportedly spent another nice day this week staring at a wall for eight hours and then going back to bed. “Yeah, pretty much the same as yesterday—saw light coming through my…

As the world grapples with the horrors of the Israel-Hamas war, many people trying to stay up to date with the situation are finding the media’s coverage lacking for myriad reasons, but exactly what accurate reporting on the conflict looks like is difficult to define. The Onion asked Americans what balanced coverage…

During a TV interview, Kellogg’s CEO Gary Pilnick stated that those struggling to pay for food should just eat cereal for dinner, sparking outrage about companies profiting from inflation with some even calling for a boycott of Kellogg’s products. What do you think?

ALLENTOWN, PA—Exchanging tales of license suspensions and alcohol highway safety classes, alumni of William Allen High School reportedly spent their 20-year high school reunion last weekend catching up on each other’s DUIs. “No fucking way—I think we have the same probation officer!” said 38-year-old Caleb Rice, who…

PALM BEACH, FL—Repeatedly opening and closing the browser window for his bank’s website, former President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he was scared to check his credit score. “I can’t do it—I just can’t do it,” said Trump, who admitted that he hadn’t paid off his credit card in weeks and grimaced as he…

DENVER—Charging a premium for the highly sought-after amenity, an apartment listing posted Monday reportedly counted the toilet as storage space. “Bathroom features extra storage in the tank behind the toilet,” the listing read in part, explaining that the toilet was perfect for storing personal hygiene products or…