Новости за 28.03.2024

Investigative accountants in South Carolina are struggling to explain the existence of an account belonging to the government containing $1.8 billion in cash, with no clear explanation as to where the funds came from or what they were supposed to be allocated for. What do you think?

LOS ANGELES—Fueling rumors that the 49-year-old star was finally settling down, Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted with girlfriend Vittoria Ceretti on Thursday as she flaunted a new nondisclosure agreement. “Oh, man, you can tell he spent a lot on that thing,” said one Hollywood insider, who added that the 25-year-old…

KNOXVILLE, TN—Seizing every device belonging to the man during a coordinated operation between local police and the FBI, authorities reportedly placed depraved Anglophile Ned McCann under arrest Thursday after uncovering a hard drive with 1.5 terabytes of hardcore photos featuring Rory Kinnear, David Mitchell, and…

MENLO PARK, CA—Noting that the Meta CEO had been acting rather strange lately and was using his Oculus far more than usual, Mark Zuckerberg’s wife Priscilla Chan admitted she was suspicious Thursday after he began referring to her as his “human wife.” “I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but yesterday he spent almost…

Adjusting for inflation, the United States has sent around $300 billion in economic and military support to Israel since its founding in 1948. The Onion breaks down the numbers behind this staggering level of aid.

LOS ANGELES—Saying the channel would do everything in its power to make up for the writer and producer’s years of toxic, abusive behavior, Nickelodeon announced Thursday that Dan Schneider had been chemically castrated with slime. “While in his powerful position at Nickelodeon, Mr. Schneider harassed child stars and…

IRVINE, CA—Rolling out the new menu item in a national ad campaign, Taco Bell introduced a limited-time burrito Thursday that will reportedly do its best to satisfy people’s hunger, but there are no guarantees in this crazy world. “Though we’ve done everything in our power to create a burrito that will assuage our…

YICHANG, CHINA—Feeling an unfamiliar tinge of emptiness midway through his 117-nation excursion, Indiana resident Larry Hough reported Wednesday that abandoning his family back in Fort Wayne in order to visit a McDonald’s in every foreign country was not as satisfying an endeavor as he had imagined. “Huh, is it…

The social media site Reddit successfully launched an IPO last week that raised $748 million. The Onion examines what Reddit users can expect now that the company has gone public.

The NFL completely overhauled its kickoff rules, taking elements used in the XFL in an effort to make the play a more integral part of the game and decrease the number of touchbacks to keep the ball in play. What do you think?

WASHINGTON—Having acknowledged that his behavior was completely uncalled for no matter how rude the U.S. populace had acted, Education Secretary Miguel Cardona was fired Wednesday after he reportedly threw a chair at the nation. “Unfortunately, Secretary Cardona got into an argument with the nation yesterday that…