Новости за 01.03.2024

Joe Biden and Donald Trump took competing visits to the U.S.-Mexico border yesterday, both in an effort to show voters that their stance on immigration is the better one, as the increase in immigration during the last four years has become a primary concern in the 2024 election. What do you think?

CUPERTINO, CA—Stunning fans and investors who had long assumed the company’s electric car project was dead, CEO Tim Cook took the stage at an Apple keynote event Friday to announce the Apple Vision Pro has been an autonomous vehicle all along. “Not only are plans for an Apple electric vehicle not canceled—it’s been on…

Now in his seventh term in the U.S. Senate, Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced that he would step back from his position as minority leader later this year. Here, Americans give their best guess for who will replace the long-serving conservative lawmaker.

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ESCONDIDO, CA—Instituting a sustainability policy intended to make the facility more eco-friendly, Sacred Heart Medical Center announced Friday that it was switching to reusable canvas blood bags. “We have begun phasing out traditional plastic blood bags and replacing them with an alternative that is made from…

Since the fall of Roe vs. Wade, women’s reproductive rights, including the right to abortion, hormonal birth control, and in vitro fertilization, have been severely restricted across the United States. The Onion asked women how they’d like to have their bodies restricted next, and this is what they said.

ST. LOUIS—In an effort to introduce a more satisfying version of their calcium tablets, Tums debuted a new deep-dish antacid pizza Friday that offers eight piping-hot slices of digestion aid. “Tums Antacid Deep-Dish Pizza features a two-inch-thick authentic Chicago-style crust of calcium carbonate topped with loads of…

Lured by AI-generated images of an immersive Willy Wonka Experience in Glasgow, families across Scotland bought a total of 850 tickets to an event hosted by the House of Illuminati only to arrive at a half-empty warehouse in a shock that left parents outraged, children crying, and police called to the scene. What do yo…

WASHINGTON—Requesting something useless and disposable that wouldn’t break the bank, the American populace announced Friday that it just wanted a shitty version that didn’t last long for cheap. “We definitely would like to have one of those things, but only if it costs almost nothing, breaks immediately, and is…

RAFAH, GAZA—Saying he had imagined the day since the moment they were born, local Gazan man Ibrahim Awad told reporters Friday that he hoped to live long enough to see his children eat dinner. “As a parent, all I want to do is be there for my kids and, if I’m lucky, survive long enough to watch them find a handful of…