Новости за 08.03.2024

Internet personality turned prizefighter Jake Paul, 27, will box former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson, 57, in a match that will be streamed on Netflix in July. What do you think?

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK—In what the pharmaceutical company hailed as a major breakthrough in weight management, Ozempic maker Novo Nordisk triumphantly announced a new drug Friday that makes obese people disappear entirely. “Although our previous treatment could significantly reduce the patient’s BMI, what we’re talking…

Take this quiz to see if you have the knowledge and skills required to sexually pleasure a woman.

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A German man who voluntarily received 217 Covid 19 vaccines in the span of 29 months has experienced no negative health effects, according to researchers, although doctors still do not endorse hyper-vaccination to boost immunity. What do you think?

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Americans were reportedly taking part in celebrations and special programs across the country Friday in honor of the 150th anniversary of Thomas Edison inventing the electrical duck. “We take it for granted today, but the electrical duck transformed the face of modern life as we know it,” said Conrad…

MENLO PARK, CA—As he argued that he of all people should know the difference between the real and virtual worlds, a blood-covered Mark Zuckerberg was reportedly informed Friday that the murder he had just committed was not in the metaverse. “Yeah, right, there’s no way that guy I just killed was real—we’re in the…

PEORIA, IL—Hard at work on her patient as a nearby boombox blared classic rock radio, a local gynecologist reportedly wheeled out from under her patient’s legs Friday to ask the nurse for a socket wrench. “Can I get a ratchet with a quarter-inch socket down here?” asked Dr. Jan Morgan, who lay on her back holding a…

LOONSVILLE, MI—Calling the initiative an urgently needed infusion of resources into the organization’s core mission, the nonprofit Habitat for Insanity announced Friday its intention to invest 35 million seashells into building affordable teeth. “At Habitat for Insanity, we’ve long been devoted to helping the …

The leftist agenda has infiltrated all levels of American society, including our public schools. The Onion asked kids how their ‘woke’ curriculum had brainwashed them, and this is what they said.

WASHINGTON—Deteriorating before the eyes of a nation until he was nothing more than fine particles of sediment on the floor next to the podium, President Joe Biden appeared to crumble to dust Thursday night during his State of the Union address. “My fellow Amer—” the president said in what would be his final address…

WASHINGTON—Taking every possible opportunity to lean over to the House speaker’s side of the desk and point at the back of Joe Biden’s head, Vice President Kamala Harris repeatedly whispered “I know him” to Mike Johnson during Thursday night’s State of the Union address. “Psst, hey Mike, I’m not sure if you’ve heard,…