Новости за 11.03.2024

PALM BEACH, FL—Telling reporters about his revamped beauty routine as he lavished praise upon the social media platform he once tried to ban as president, a Vaseline-covered Donald Trump publicly reversed his stance on TikTok Monday after getting really into skincare. “You can’t get rid of TikTok…

LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly frustrated by the agonizing customer service experience, Emma Stone was reportedly on the phone with a Louis Vuitton representative for four hours Monday trying to get a refund on her gown that ripped at the Oscars ceremony last night. “Hi, Emily, we are so sorry to hear that you had a…

BALTIMORE—Excitedly pulling out their Orioles jerseys and beat-up baseball mitts from the black of the closet, a local father and his son reportedly engaged Monday in their annual tradition of saying they should attend spring training one day. “One of these days, we’ll take a trip down south for spring training—just…

Fed up with scrolling through endless photos and going on fruitless first dates, many Gen Zers are deleting their profiles and trying to meet people outside dating apps. Here are some of their strategies for finding potential partners in real life.

TACOMA, WA—Saying “Sure, man, let’s do it” in response to the suggestion he select a model that cost $750 more, local insecure prick Brent Linsky was immediately talked into an upgrade Monday, according to sources at an area Best Buy. “I’m definitely planning on having a lot of friends over, so if you think the…

THE HEAVENS—Emphasizing His Eternal Kingdom’s infinite supply of prime real estate “just waiting to be developed,” the Lord God Almighty announced plans Monday to bulldoze heaven and build luxury condominiums. “Soon we will begin demolition on the starry firmament and break ground on exclusive, state-of-the art…

NORFOLK, VA—Reaching the decision after an extensive discussion amongst the military branch’s leadership, the U.S. Navy announced Friday its plan to phase out all wet activities over the coming year. “Although wetness has long defined the Navy’s operations, we’ve concluded that getting wet is really more trouble…

INDIANAPOLIS—Pushing around a limp salad in a bowl, local woman Danielle Guerra reportedly sighed and said, “I wish I had your metabolism,” Monday upon seeing Garfield swallow a whole lasagna in one gulp. “You’re so lucky that you can eat that stuff all the time and not gain any weight,” Guerra said as her eyes moved…

The annual switch from standard time to daylight saving time yesterday renewed debate about the potential harms of switching the clock twice per year, such as increases in car crashes, hospital visits, and heart attacks in the week after the change. What do you think?

NEW YORK—Hunched over a pint of beer, Paul Giamatti’s fake lazy eye from The Holdovers was reportedly drunkenly watching the Oscars broadcast from a corner of the dive bar, sources confirmed Sunday. “Turn it up, turn it up, I can’t hear!” said the prosthetic eyeball, which slurred its words as it tried to tell…

LOS ANGELES—Saying they were kicking themselves for leaving such an important task until the last minute, organizers of the 96th Academy Awards told reporters Sunday they were worried Oscar nominees would be able to tell the gift bags were full of junk purchased at a dollar store a few hours ago. “I know they aren’t…

LOS ANGELES—Groaning with pleasure as Hollywood’s biggest stars entered the Dolby Theater, celebrity sources confirmed Sunday that the moaning red carpet had a distinct Quentin Tarantino-shaped lump underneath. “Yes, yes, harder, step harder,” said the quivering mound in the outline of the famed director, which was…