Новости за 07.03.2024

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Instantly committing its remaining days on earth to waddling behind the man, a local sea gull reportedly decided Thursday to follow Doug Wheeler around for the rest of his life after the 32-year-old accountant absent-mindedly tossed some hot dog scraps on the ground. According to sources, Wheeler will…

After major losses on Super Tuesday, Nikki Haley dropped out of the presidential race, leaving Donald Trump as the only major Republican candidate in the running. What do you think?

WASHINGTON—Assuring her coworkers that she wouldn’t have made the request if the event weren’t important, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly swapped shifts with a coworker at Orangetheory Thursday so she could attend the State of the Union address. “I did a double at the front desk last week to cover for…

In last week’s Michigan’s Democratic primary, more than 100,000 voters cast their ballots as “uncommitted” in protest of President Joe Biden’s support for Israel in its war in Gaza. The Onion explores the pros and cons of participating in a protest vote against the 2024 Democratic ticket.

WILLOW GLEN, CA—Knowing full well that their fate had been sealed, local waitstaff at TGI Fridays watched helplessly Thursday as a limousine full of screaming 12-year-old girls pulled up in front of their restaurant. “Dear God, we’re doomed,” said head waiter James Orsen, who stood motionless as several preteens…

A new study from researchers in France found that one third of the study’s 630 participants couldn’t read the behavioral cues of an unhappy cat, ascribing the animal happy emotions when in fact they were signaling distress. What do you think?

ROQUEBRUNE-CAP-MARTIN, FRANCE—Describing a migration pattern that had a devastating effect on prehistoric neighborhoods, archaeologists from the University of California, Berkeley, announced Thursday they had uncovered the first caves gentrified by Homo sapiens. “While excavating caverns in southern France, we…

When it comes to the war in Gaza, news outlets in the United States largely prefer to keep descriptions vague in order to appear impartial. The following are several words besides “genocide” the media uses to describe genocide.

KANSAS CITY, MO—Chitchatting as he took his passenger from a funeral home to a graveside service nearby, local hearse driver Glen Holland reportedly made small talk Thursday with the corpse riding in the back of his vehicle. “Going to Elmwood Cemetery, huh?” Holland said to the man who had died from multiple gunshot…

Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ) announced that she will not seek reelection, leaving just one term after winning as a Democrat and leaving the party to become an independent. What do you think?