Новости за 29.02.2024

WASHINGTON—In what many of his congressional colleagues have described as the most noble act of his storied career, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced Thursday that upon his death, he would donate his body to lobbyists for research. “By studying this extraordinary specimen capable of such…

WASHINGTON—Detecting signs of life only after a lengthy period of cutting open the commander-in-chief’s bodily cavities and examining the organs inside, White House physician Kevin O’Connor is said to have mistakenly performed an autopsy Thursday for the first 10 minutes of President Joe Biden’s annual physical.…

Sen. Mitch McConnell will step down as Republican party leader at the end of this year after 17 years in the position, though he will remain in the Senate. What do you think?

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Since the war in Gaza began, members of the Israeli Defense Forces have uploaded viral videos in which they brag about—and often show themselves— destroying Palestinian homes, universities, and hospitals. The Onion examines the pros and cons of allowing Israeli soldiers to continue posting on TikTok.

In vitro fertilization is believed to have helped couples conceive more than 10 million children since 1978. But a state court’s ruling that embryos in a lab have the same rights as children has led Alabama fertility clinics to stop offering the procedure. Take this quiz to see how much you actually know about the…

NESSEBAR, BULGARIA—Lamenting that such an enterprise could never exist in the United States, vacationing sources confirmed Thursday that the foreign zoo they were visiting had a cage where they could box a lion. “Wow, for the equivalent of just one American dollar, anyone can apparently enter the cage and spend 30…

NEW YORK—In an effort to cut costs and modernize its core business, department store chain Macy’s announced a major restructuring this week, saying it would close 150 of its stores to focus on its Indonesian terrorism division. “This isn’t about downsizing, but instead about shifting our portfolio to reflect current…

NEW YORK—Moaning with pleasure as they revealed that this was exactly what Daddy needed, the nation’s sick freaks held a press conference Friday to announce their plans to get off on that. “Oh yeah, baby, that’s exactly the crazy shit that’ll ring our cherries,” said Carl Dabrowski, one of dozens of the nation’s…

WASHINGTON—In a trend that is reducing the nation’s dependence on fossil fuels by curtailing the total number of cars on the road, a study released Thursday by the Transportation Department found that more Americans than ever are commuting to work splattered on the grill of a Ford F-150. “Increasingly, U.S.…

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Pressing the recently used and dripping wet plunger up to his mouth and nose, local child Caden Liu announced, “It’s me, Pinocchio,” on Thursday. “Look, Daddy, look! My nose is long, just like Pinocchio!” said the visibly excited 5-year-old, who reportedly had raw sewage running down his…

Beginning in 2025, Wendy’s will begin testing surge pricing, also known as dynamic pricing, a strategy that raises and lowers prices in response to real-time demand, as part of a $20 million investment in digital menu boards throughout the U.S. What do you think?

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