Новости за 01.02.2024

Despite both the Supreme Court and the Biden administration ordering the removal of razor wire along the U.S.-Mexico border, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has pledged to continue installing it. The Onion asked Texans why they support the controversial deterrent, and this is what they said.

Elon Musk announced that his company Neuralink implanted its first brain-computer interface into a human and that the patient is “recovering well,” the goal of the new wireless device being to link directly into an individual’s cerebral cortex, allowing them to control a computer by thinking. What do you think?

LONDON—Scuttling through passageways deep beneath Buckingham Palace, King Charles III reportedly fertilized a clutch of royal eggs Thursday. According to sources, Charles maneuvered through the damp, dark corridors on all four of his limbs, pausing occasionally to click together his fangs and eventually stopping…

NEW YORK—Following his effort earlier this week to solicit thoughts from social media followers about their mental health, sources confirmed Thursday that fur had been falling off Elmo in clumps ever since the Sesame Street star asked Twitter users how they were doing. “Elmo make big mistake,” said the visibly shaking…

As the coronavirus pandemic continues to cause widespread disruptions, many have noticed that the country’s stock market and economic situation, which would ostensibly reflect each other, seem to reflect entirely different situations. The Onion looks at the differences between the stock market and the economy.

KEY WEST, FL—Locking eyes upon realizing they were both cut from the same cloth, local man with a cockatiel on his shoulder Alex Maser reportedly gave a knowing nod Thursday to resident Thomas Beltran, who sported an iguana on his shoulder. Several reports indicated that Maser, accompanied by his cockatiel Roxy,…

The rate of infectious cases of syphilis has risen by 9%, according to a federal government report, with cases surpassing 207,000, the highest they’ve been in 74 years. What do you think?

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WASHINGTON—During a congressional hearing Wednesday aimed at holding tech companies accountable for children’s safety online, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg gave testimony in which he assured concerned parents that he was keeping a very close, personal eye on teen accounts. “I personally spend most days and nights in front…

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FARGO, ND—Appearing baffled by the transparency of the fluid discharged from the machine, area man Luke Chambers was said to have looked on helplessly Wednesday as a soda fountain at a local Hardee’s began filling his 32-ounce cup with a cascade of clear liquid. “Wait, that’s not Pepsi—where’s did the Pepsi go?” said…

SAN FRANCISCO—In an astounding medical breakthrough for the brain microchip company, Neuralink researchers confirmed Wednesday that the first brain implant recipient had successfully performed depraved sexual acts on Elon Musk. “Although the patient is still recovering from the procedure, they are doing well and have…