Новости за 20.02.2024

DETROIT—Drawing ire from the costumed fandom at the item’s price and political implications, former president Donald Trump was reportedly booed Tuesday at a local furry convention while hawking his new $399 Never Surrender Trump Tail. “Folks, this is a tremendous tail, really tremendous—perfect for bringing your…

MONTGOMERY, AL—In a case aimed at preserving what plaintiffs described as the sanctity of reheatable Tex-Mex fare, Alabama’s Supreme Court issued a ruling Tuesday in which it asserted that frozen burritos are children. “With this decision, the court finds that frozen burritos—be they beef, bean and cheese, chicken, or…

LOS ANGELES—Wondering aloud why people seemed to be so obsessed with her involvement in the Sony Pictures–produced Marvel spinoff, actress Dakota Johnson told reporters Tuesday that she hoped she wouldn’t get any Madame Web questions at a Madame Web press event. “I don’t get it—just because I starred in a…

ITHACA, NY—In a shocking revelation that left the entire ornithological community reeling, Cornell University scientists reportedly discovered Tuesday that birds had lied about being related to dinosaurs. “For decades, birds literally looked us in the eye and claimed they descended from theropods—and it was all a…

Rather than using details from their own worthless, pathetic lives, more and more users are opting to use ChatGPT to fill out their Tinder bios. See if you can guess which of these bios were written by humans and which by AI.

NEW ORLEANS—Shifting in his chair as the server hovered over the table waiting to take his order, local man Mitch Frahm reportedly made a last-second decision Tuesday to point to the item he wanted to avoid mispronouncing “number 47.” “Sorry, this is so embarrassing, but I don’t know how to say the name of this dish,”…

WASHINGTON—Expressing astonishment that such an act of techno-terrorism didn’t come to fruition years ago, Americans across the country told reporters Tuesday they were surprised the U.S. power grid hadn’t already been shut down by a hacker named Cyber Wolf. “You’d really think that by the year 2024, we would’ve…

PEORIA, IL—Shaking his head as he spotted the flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror, local evangelical Christian man Joshua Weller was reportedly persecuted Tuesday simply for driving 90 miles per hour in a school zone. “Looks like someone spotted the Jesus fish on my back windshield,” said Weller, who…