Новости за 08.02.2024

Despite facing no major challenger in Nevada, Nikki Haley lost the state’s primary election after voters rejected all candidates, with more choosing the “none of these candidates” option on the ballot. What do you think?

NEW YORK—Refuting claims that his references to recent conversations with deceased politicians were made by mistake, President Joe Biden confirmed Thursday that he speaks to dead European leaders all the time as they beckon him toward the light. “That was not a gaffe—I distinctly remember Helmut Kohl telling me the…

SAN DIEGO—Embarrassing himself profusely in what would otherwise have been a successful evening, local man Joseph Ward reportedly killed the mood Thursday after struggling to unclasp date Heather Kapelos’ chip clip. “I’m really sorry, just give me another minute,” said Ward, who later confirmed he could feel Kapelos’…

LAS VEGAS—In a significant blow for the presidential candidate’s already beleaguered campaign, Nikki Haley lost Nevada’s Republican primary Tuesday to the alternative option of “I’m Trans and You Can Take My Guns,” according to the final tally of votes. “It’s a major upset for Haley to have nearly 63% of conservative…

President Joe Biden urged Congress to pass a bipartisan bill that would give him executive power to shut down the border between the United States and Mexico. The Onion examines the pros and cons of closing our nation’s southern border and no longer allowing migrants to cross.

NEW YORK—Describing the trend as a serious threat to the well-being of local dimwits, New York’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority reported a sharp uptick Thursday in the number of dopey riders who jump in front of trains because they just dropped their lollipop down there and they want to get it back. “We’re…

In honor of the obscure NFL team that made it to the Super Bowl, take The Onion’s quiz to test your knowledge of the San Francisco 49ers.

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HOUSTON—In an exclusive, limited-time offer available with any purchase at its stores, Men’s Wearhouse reportedly began offering free body alterations this week to tailor customers’ flesh to their clothing. “We’ll get you in and out in just 15 minutes with a little local anesthetic,” said store manager David Lachman,…

Jack Sweeney, a student at the University of Central Florida who tracks Taylor Swift’s private jet and shares its location, received a cease-and-desist letter from the pop star’s legal team, calling for him to stop his “stalking and harassing behavior.” What do you think?

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