Новости за 05.02.2024

LOS ANGELES—With a single artist dominating in nearly every category, last night’s 66th Annual Grammy Awards were once again swept by an old man in a rocking chair who whistled and slapped his knee. Whistlin’ Jesco, a blind man who reportedly lost his sight after drinking a bottle of his daddy’s hair tonic at the age…

KANSAS CITY, MO—Amid widespread speculation over whether his girlfriend Taylor Swift could attend the Super Bowl due to a performance in the East Asian country, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce has been quietly avoiding the fact that he has no idea what Japan is, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh, yeah, I’ve been…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to stymie record-high crossings at the nation’s southern border, the U.S. Senate put forward a new bipartisan immigration bill Monday that would only let in migrants who were accompanied by a group of hot girls. “This bill will establish a strict 3-to-1 ratio requiring all migrants wishing to…

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While there are obvious red flags such as being a man who is weak, inadequate, or a good listener, The Onion provides a helpful guide to signs that you probably are a beta male.

Social media users recently raised the alarm about the presence of lead in virally popular Stanley cups, which the company admits to using in the vacuum-sealed lining that keeps drinks’ temperature stable; however, experts say there is no real risk to user safety as the small amount of lead is covered in stainless…

WASHINGTON—In an address from the White House carried live on television, President Joe Biden gave the nation the nuclear launch codes Monday in case anything were ever to happen to him. “Folks, I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but the fact is, I’m not always going to be around, and you need to be prepared…

WAITSFIELD, VT—Feeling like a failure upon realizing that he had never even been to space, local 38-year-old Mike Arroyo told reporters Monday that he assumed he would have settled down on a distant monster-filled planet by now. “I dunno, I just figured at this point in my life I’d be fighting off grotesque,…

GALLATIN, TN—Touting its access to Cocomelon, Noggin, Disney+, and other popular video services, local daycare Little Angels Learning Center boasted Monday that it maintained a great screen-to-toddler ratio across all its programs. “We’re proud to say that every child enrolled in our daycare receives individual…

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COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to make the streets safer through arbitrary killings, the State of Ohio began executing random people Monday in the hopes they were criminals. “You have to assume at least some of the residents we are hanging and beheading are guilty of something terrible, right?” said Gov. Mike DeWine, who…