Новости за 07.02.2024

A federal appeals court ruled that former President Donald Trump is not immune from prosecution for his actions while in the White House and in the leadup to the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol, the decision serving as a definitive rejection of Trump’s previous claims that he could not be tried. What do you think?

WASHINGTON—Noting how imperative it was that Americans act responsibly while under the influence, the U.S. Transportation Department released a memo Wednesday that recommended cranking up Thin Lizzy’s “Jailbreak” while driving high. “After studying countless drivers who had ingested marijuana, our data shows that the…

GLENDALE, AZ—Calling timeout and coming to the aid of the team’s visibly ailing head coach during Super Bowl LVII, Kansas City Chiefs medical staff helped a critically hungry Andy Reid into the sideline meat-smoking tent. “After a member of our staff observed signs of low energy and problems focusing in Coach Reid, we…

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CHICAGO—As his 20-foot extension ladder wobbled slightly in the wind, sources confirmed that elderly neighbor Alfred Lojek was standing on a rung just below the roofline of his home Wednesday and hanging Valentine’s Day decorations. According to sources, the senior citizen emerged from his house at 8:15 a.m. with the…

WASHINGTON—Noting that such violent ambushes had skyrocketed over the years he’d been in office, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) pushed for legislation Wednesday to combat stagecoach robberies. “While Democrats remain soft on crime, these dastardly bandits continue to roam the plains, robbing our nation’s hardworking…

Ever since dipping her toe into politics, Taylor Swift has been the target of countless conspiracy theories from members of the far right. The Onion explores the most convincing hoaxes that have recently been circulated about the singer-songwriter.

CANTON, MA—Boasting reasonable prices starting at $1.99, Dunkin’ unveiled a new breakfast menu this week that featured a sad half-strip of bacon on a cracker. “At only 30 calories and with over 1 gram of protein, Dunkin’s all-new Open-Faced Turkey Cracker Breakfast Sandwich is the perfect choice for anyone who wants…

Following statements from South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem (R) about sending razor wire and security personnel to the Texas border, Oglala Sioux tribe president Frank Star Comes Out banned Noem from the reservation, saying that those at the border should not be “cut up by razor wire furnished by, of all places, South…